Self Destruction

Why am I so god damned good at self destruction?

Since Wednesday, I have consumed approximately 6 little cubes of cheese, 10 pieces of Frosted Mini Wheat cereal, lots of coke and vanilla coke and a piece of chocolate. Add to that a wide variety of (very, very bad) drugs and probably….4 hours of sleep.
And yesterday, yesterday was an awesome day.

First off, Neighbor Guy (who I last saw on Wed. night, when he gave me a hug and told me he loves me and that he would see me tomorrow) send me a text saying something about how if I’m going to ignore him then this just isn’t going to work… I tried calling and texting him back to find out what it was that I ignored, cause I wasn’t aware that I ignored anything, but he didn’t answer.

Then The Boy calls. He’s crying, he’s freaking out, he was up all night doing drugs (even more than me) and him and his little girlfriend got in a fight cause he wouldn’t cuddle with her and now he feels like shit about himself. Awesome. Okay, try and calm him down enough to get through the work day, try and convince him that he’s not a piece of shit and that he’s not worthless and that I don’t hate him and he hasn’t ruined my entire life. Listen to him apologize to me over and over, and then rant and rave and get all angry, and then apologetic again. Let him vent, he needs it…He ended up calling me like 10-12 times throughout the day.

Finally get off work and go home, try to go lay on the couch and fall asleep and instead get called over to Neighbor Guys house where I get called a prostitute, a drug whore, a liar, a thief and fat….apparently I’m fucking somebody in exchange for drugs, I didn’t know this but the rest of the neighborhood sure as fuck does. ‘Course he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) tell me exactly Who I was fucking, nor would he tell me where he heard all this from. He said I’ll find out who it is when that person comes up and asks me if I gave him herpes. (What the fuck?!?) I don’t remember what all else there was in there, but basically he just didn’t want to see me anymore, ever, and kicked me out of his house…
Okay….odd…

Go home…lay on the couch, try and fall asleep…Boy calls, he’s like 30 miles away and he wants me to come pick him up. Okay…get up, go get in rush hour traffic on the highway, have a panic attack or two or three while driving, get there, get the boy, calm him down, hug him, try and make him smile, listen to him rant and rave and vent and apologize some more, take him to go get high and drop him off at his girlfriends as requested. That takes about 4-5 hours…

Go home, lay on the couch, try and fall asleep…Neighbor Guy comes over, he loves me, he really loves me, and he just KNOWS that I made the wrong decision about that, that I belong with him and he belongs with me and we’re just right for each other. That I was so much better while I was with him, and he was happy. He’s not happy anymore, he’s miserable. Now if I was really smart, and wanted to be a good person and live a good life, then I just need to take him back and devote myself to him completely and the world will be right again. I don’t pay him enough attention, I don’t spend enough time with him, he’s so lonely without me he just doesn’t know what to do. There’s nothing for him without me.

By this point I’m just so overwhelmed, exhausted and worn out that I just start crying. And I cry for the next 3 hours or so. And Neighbor Guy tries to hold me and make me feel better and make me love him the way that he wants to be loved and I keep having to tell him no, and reject him over and over and over again and it breaks my heart every time…And the Boy keeps calling and (a bit harshly) telling me that I just fucking need to stand up for myself and tell him what a fucking faggot-ass cocksucking piece of shit he is and The Boy just doesn’t understand why I can’t just raise my fucking voice and scream at Neighbor that I hate him and I never want to see him again. So he’s all unhappy with me, and says this just isn’t working, it’s just not working. What’s not working? Exactly.
Awesome, what the fuck does that mean?

So, finally get Neighbor Guy to go home, lock all the doors and windows, curl up on the couch, hide under the blankets, leave the TV on so the house isn’t completely silent, and finally cry myself to sleep while clinging to my dog, begging him to just stay and love me please…

Fell asleep at like 2:30, 3ish, got up at 5:30, got dressed, came to work and here I am. Yay!

Why do I do this to myself? Why is it that only when I’m this fucking miserable, and everyone around me is this fucking miserable, that the thing inside me is happy? Why is it only when my heart is breaking and I’m sobbing and shaking and screaming that the thing inside me is satisfied? Why do I think that I was meant to feel this way? Why do I think that I deserve all of this, and much more? Why do I seem so hell bent on destroying myself and all of those that I love? What the fuck is wrong with me…

I’m just so tired of it all….People…work…drugs…entertainment…killing time…endless days and the nights are even worse…
 

I’m so fucking alone and I’m terrified of myself…..