Him…

I’m fucking a 47 year old man…I’m in my mid-twenties. I can’t quite figure out anymore exactly why I’m fucking him, but it continues none the less. He is my neighbor, he lives across the street in this shitty little trailer park. He’s been here for 10 years and I don’t see him getting out any time soon. I’m not quite sure why I’m fucking him…it’s been going on for almost a year now.

The neighbor helped me break up with my boyfriend and clean up the mess that he left behind, physically, emotionally, mentally and financially. Everything was trashed and he helped me fix it. In that process, we started…but I didn’t want a relationship with him, I wasn’t ready for that, not by a long shot, and he knew this. I loved the boy I broke up with dearly and it shattered me to do that to him. I was not ready to go into another serious, committed relationship, one that talked about marriage and children and a family and a house and blah blah blah. So not happening…

He knew that going into this. I told him that so many times. I don’t want anything serious, I’m not going to marry you or have children with you or buy a house, it’s just not happening…We both knew this was a temporary thing.

But he has gone and fallen head over heels for me. Of course he has, I’m a 26 year old life support system for a cunt. I’m young, free pussy on tap any time of the day, right next door, practically in your own back yard.  And he wants it all day…once, twice, three times a day isn’t enough for him, not nearly enough. He needs 6, 7, 8, 10, 12 to be happy…and even then, I don’t think he’d be completely satisfied. I’ve spent days in bed with him just fucking and talking and more fucking, followed by more fucking, and then the next day I ask for some space, some time to myself, some time to spend with my books and my guitar and my friends, time away from him because he’s been here fucking me for the last 6 days…

The world tears apart. I’m rejecting him, I’m neglecting him, I don’t love him, I’m not spending enough time with him, I don’t want him around, I don’t like him, I don’t want to spend any time with him, All I ever want him to do is leave, I’m a cold-hearted bitch who keeps pushing away the one person who was there to help me out when I really needed someone.

It’s gotten old…really quickly. I’m tired of laying in bed, I’m tired of fighting hands off my skin, I’m tired of being stripped of my clothes and shoved down into a mattress, I’m tired of being rubbed and nibbled and bitten and sucked on. But if we’re not fucking, or at least laying in bed naked, or out in the woods walking the dogs, we’re not spending quality time together, so says him. I’m always distracted by the movie or the music or the book or the computer or the ceiling or the whatever, I’m not completely focused on him. He does not have my complete, full and utter attention. Simply put, I’m ignoring him.

I want out…I can’t do this anymore, this constant attention, this constant argument over whether or not I love him enough. Obviously I don’t. Obviously, I’m never going to. I’m going to continue to read my books and play on my computer and my guitar and see my friends and ‘ignore’ him. That’s never going to change. Therefore, he’s never going to be happy.

But how to get out? I can’t end it until I move, which could take up to six months or so…what the fuck do I do in the mean time? Stop fucking him? Constant drama in every direction, the whole fucking neighborhood will explode on me, it wouldn’t be the first time. He’ll become my enemy, my nemesis…I’ll always have to wonder what he wants to do for revenge, to hurt me because I hurt him. I’ll always be scared of his thoughts, plans, discussions and rumors….and there will be plenty…

So I keep fucking him, I suppose…I keep giving up my life and giving him the attention he constantly demands. I will put myself away and become his doll, a thing for his amusement and pleasure, because thats what he wants from me anyways. I think he’s finally accepted that I’m not going to marry him and have his children, I’m not going to live with him in his trailer forever, I’m getting the fuck out, I’m leaving. I think he’s finally beginning to deal with that and it makes him all the more possessive and jealous. He’s going to hang on as tightly as he can while he’s still got it, and he’s going to choke the life out of me while he does it.

I’ll always be grateful for the help that he gave me and the things that he’s done for me. I’ll always remember him, I’ll always think about him at times. But I have to get out…I’ll die if I don’t…And deep down, underneath everything, the darkness, the depression, the thoughts and visions of death and decay everywhere I go, underneath it all, my soul wants to live, and it wants to be beautiful..I just don’t know how to get it there..

 

 

    

Log in to write a note
May 23, 2010

Relations… There is no one to blame.. You felt that you had to repay him … You felt that for a moment you werent alone … For a moment you wanted to feel another person’s touch. …and him I am sure amidst all that you two shared he fell in love with you. In this situation there is no solution that would satisfy everyone … No… There will always be sadness ..

May 23, 2010

Tho sadness can be used to bolster our resiliance… Tho sadness can be used to harden our resolve… Thus you should tell it to him… Tell him the truth … Tell him how you are still in pain from your previous relation… Tell him how you appreciate how he has been there for your pilar to rely on… ..I am certain he will understand. …and if he doesnt it is his loss.

May 23, 2010

You shouldnt be ashamed… You shouldnt care about rumours… In the end they are all words… Words that will vanish… Words that will be forgotten… Burn your dread… …And face the sun with pride of the living

Thank you Renn..your kind words are appreciated… Unfortunately, I have told him. I’ve told him over and over again how I feel and why I want space and time without him in it…it just hurts him so much when I ask for time away from him that it hurts me to do it, yet it hurts me to shut out everyone and everything else out in my life just for him…

May 24, 2010

…and you said your a cold hearted. Your words speak another tale… Your darkness, your sorrow , your fears are like a cocoon… ..and beneath that cocoon is you. …an beatiful butterfly ready to fly away from that shell which protected you. Thus even if it pains you … Thus even if it hurts him… You should end it … If there is nothing else than lust ..

May 24, 2010

An relation based on lust… ..as it continues it is even harder to end Tho to feel another person’s touch is better than to be alone isnt it …? What if i leave him… ..what if i will be alone ? ..what if this is what i deserve ? Burn those dreads… An relation based on lust… Will only cause sadness… It will only harm you both…

May 24, 2010

If there is no compassion , if there is no love… It is like an empty shell… It may hurt… It may be painfull… …but you will manage …but your resolve is stronger ..thus dont chain youself to that shell. …break free …and be reborn