Fuck it…

Well, I’m pretty sure that the boy and I are over at this point…Where our friendship is going to go I’m not really sure, but our physical relationship is pretty much over.

The girlfriend is pregnant. She’s 16…that poor thing…I’ve offered to talk to her, I’ve been through three abortions, I know what they’re like and how shitty they are, especially when you have a boyfriend who’s pissed off and fighting with you all the time. I know about the morning sickness and the nausea and the dread and the self loathing and the fear and the desperateness and the terrifying overwhelmingness. She hasn’t come to me yet, I don’t think she even knows that I offered…I’m pretty sure he never told her, but whatever. I offered…

He’s just so angry…at himself, at his girlfriend, at his mom, at me….at life, at the world, at everything, he’s just pissed off. And he doesn’t know how to deal with all of this. It’s too much for him and he just doesn’t know what to do anymore. He already spent his paycheck on drugs and now he’s broke for the next two weeks with no way to get high and he’s fucking flipping…he’s lashing out at everyone who’s close to him and taking his anger and frustration out on them. What he doesn’t realize is that it’s only going to cause more problems and end up with more people being hurt. It’s not going to solve anything…

And me….well, I’m hurt…mostly by myself and what I had to do to try and fix this situation that I’ve terribly fucked up. It’s so fucking hard to be there for him….especially when he comes to me, lets out all his anger and frustration at me, vents, lets me take over and take care of him and make him feel better, and then he goes back to the girlfriend. I get all the anger and frustration that she produces and she gets the calm and love that I try to instill in him. Then once he’s good and pissed off again, he comes back to me to make him feel better. And I let him…
But it’s so fucking hard….to want someone who you know doesn’t really want you…who enjoys what you do for them and to them, and the advice that you give them and the help that you provide…who at times seems to take advantage of the kindness you’ve offered to them…

We’ve been arguing for about a week now…I don’t even remember how it started…a few days ago, he found out about the girlfriend…that night I just tried to be nice to him, be there for him in whatever he needed, offer support and comfort and love…I guess I didn’t do a very good job… I wouldn’t have sex with him that night, despite wanting nothing more than to take him and make him forget all of this, let him get lost in my body…I couldn’t. The girlfriend needs that connection from him, the emotion that he has in him right now, the distress and the sorrow. It needs to go to her, she needs him right now to get through this. He needs to give her what he’s been giving me.
We did have sex the next morning…right after that, we started fighting. I knew it wasn’t a good idea, I knew I just should have stayed away from him but he wants me so much it’s so fucking hard to resist…I couldn’t…I just couldn’t turn him down again, reject him and see that pain come in to his green-blue eyes for a brief second before he looks away from me…I couldn’t face it again after crying myself to sleep the previous night. And so we had sex….and it fucked us, just like I knew it would..

Ever since then, he’s been angry with me….that whole day we were fighting. That whole day, he was pissed off at me…
I just, I don’t know what to do…At one point or another, I asked him what he wanted. He couldn’t, or wouldn’t, tell me, but I’m pretty sure I got a good picture of it…
Essentially, he wants me and him to continue, to be ‘secret lovers’, he wants me to continue to be his outlet for emotion and frustration, but he wants the girlfriend to stay around as well, because he’s been chasing her, or the idea of her, for years now and he doesn’t want to give that up. I told him that I don’t know if we can continue this if it’s causing this much conflict. His reply was ‘the only ones having any fucking conflict around here are you and me, me and my girlfriend are fine, we have absolutely no problems.’ My response was, that’s because she has no fucking clue. He said exactly, and that’s the way I want it to stay.
He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and that’s really hard to get away with for an extended period of time. He wants both of us, and I understand that, I’ve been there…I know the inner conflict and turmoil that goes on when you love and want two different people for completely different reasons. But eventually, you will have to choose…you can’t keep going like that, it’s too much, for you and for the other people involved…it’s just too much..
He chose…’obviously, you know what I’m going to do, who I’m going to go with’…Yeah, I know…that doesn’t mean I have to like it, and it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t feel like a fucking knife going into my heart and twisting as I scream…’You know what I want, I don’t have to tell you, we’ve been over this." Fine, so go…go to your fucking girlfriend…I hope she makes you happy…
And so, I got up and I drove him to his girlfriends house…the next day I got up and I went and picked him back up again and drove him back to my place, except the girlfriend had a friend drive her over and they’ve been staying up at his moms for the past two days. The same Mom that kicked him out in a drunken, drug-induced screaming fit. Of course, all he’s been doing with them is fighting…

Then yesterday, good god yesterday…
I’m texting the Boy in the morning…and for some god damned reason, I let it slip that I might be needing to make some changes in my head and blah blah…he asks what changes…fuck…this is not a conversation you can have over some fucking text messages, but at that point it’s too late to turn back…so I tell him.
I like you way too much to be able to do this anymore. It’s just too fucking painful for me…I can’t have sex with you anymore…I’ll always love you, I’ll always care about you, you’re always welcome to come here when you need to, I’ll always be there for you if you need me, but I just can’t have sex with you anymore…it’s causing too much conflict.
This is the last fucking thing I want to do…if I had it my way, Fuck the girlfriend, you’re mine…and I’ll take such good care of you that you’ll forget about her entirely.
But, in reality, thats not the way it is, and thats not how it should or can be. In reality, he wants his girlfriend, who is pregnant and really, really fucking needs him right now. In reality, I’m in the way…I’m causing problems everywhere I go and all I’m spreading is unhappiness like the fucking plague. I need to go, I need to remove myself from this situation so that the two of you can try to rebuild what you had together. I need to do this, for you, for her, and maybe (maybe….) for me…It’s just too much for me right now..
I didn’t want to do it then…I wanted to wait until we had a moment alo

ne together…break it to him gently and try and explain why things have to be this way…instead I did through some fucking text messages while he’s at work and stressing..good job me.

Also yesterday, I let Neighbor Guy borrow something, something small and seemingly insignificant. Neighbor Guy promised me that he would be careful with it and treat it like it belonged to me. I said alright, and let him walk out with it. He returns it, saying that it’s perfectly fine and he was very careful with it and all that. I go pick up The Boy from work, make him feel better, get him smiling and laughing and some semblance of happy….it makes me happy to see him smile, the poor thing…he doesn’t do it enough. Anyways, we get home, he leaves to go back up to his girlfriend and mother…three hours later, he comes back down, pissed off and yelling at me about how I let Neighbor Guy borrow his shit and how fucking disrespectful it is…apparently, it got dropped on a hardwood floor. Nothing broke, it’s perfectly fine, but he was so angry with me, with Neighbor Guy, with everyone. I apologized over and over again, saying that I was sorry, that it won’t happen again, if anything would have happened to it I would have replaced it and I’m sorry…it’ll never happen again, I promise you…and he leaves…
So, I go talk to Neighbor Guy, tell him The Boy is all upset and pissed off at me and him and blah blah blah…basically I just pass the bitching along. Neighbor Guy goes and yells at his son, who in turn goes back up and bitches to the Boy, who comes back down at bitches at me again. So, for the whole hour, hour and a half yesterday that I saw him after I picked him up from work, he was really fucking pissed off at me, and bitching…my apologies fell on deaf ears, he didn’t hear them because he didn’t want to. He had a reason to be pissed and he hung on to it with everything he had…by the time he left for the final time to go back up to his girlfriend, I felt like shit…I just wanted to lay on the couch and cry. Of course I couldn’t, because as soon as the Boy was gone, Neighbor Guy comes trotting over…and so I just hold it all in, and don’t let any of it out. Now it’s all twisted and it just hurts…everything hurts.

I fucking hate rejection…I know he’s going to read this, get to that sentence and flip out on me.."I didn’t fucking reject you, what are you talking about?" But he did….maybe he doesn’t even know that he did, but he did….and it hurts so fucking badly…I’m angry, I’m terrified, I’m lonely, I’m so god damned sad…I had to give up the one thing that’s made me truly, genuinely happy in months because he doesn’t want me…he chose her over me…yes, I expected him to, told him to, pointed him in that direction and tried to help him down the road…but he still chose her over me…I lost…I lost him…Yeah, we’ll be friends, we’ll be "cuddle buddies" or whatever the fuck…But I lost…and that hurts..it hurts a lot..I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t what he wanted…I just..wasn’t good enough, for any of it..

I can’t fucking stand this….I’m so god damned alone and I’ve made myself that way…I’ve pushed away everyone close to me and given myself this little cushion space of misery to live in…Good fucking job girl…you stupid bitch…