The Sandman Forgot One

dear spydr…

it’s late. well, or early, i guess. i know people who get up at this hour on purpose. shit, you were one of them, occasionally. (6am call, baby!) as is my usual habit, lately, i am not sleeping. haven’t slept. whatever. i got a lot of sleep last night, so i guess maybe it’s okay? we’ll see, i suppose.

i’m starting to get really annoyed with my mother. i know i am taking your passing really hard – harder than i even would have guessed. but at the same time, it’s only been three weeks. it feels simultaneously like an eternity and a moment, still. it’s so fresh, i can still hear my own response to wenda’s call clearly in my head, as if i’d been the one watching, not the one screaming. it feels like i’ve done nothing but cry for 23…well. 24, days, now. i haven’t felt many more emotions than grief, love, fear, and …emptiness. or maybe i’m just missing the moment of identification, because they’ve been so fleeting. i felt relief for a few minutes, talking to wenda the other night, the night we spent laughing at our own stupid (but truthfully, hilarious) antics. then last night, i was so…glad, i guess? i didn’t get to happy…but i was so glad to “see” everyone. they called me on video chat from the VERY not socially distant birthday party they went ahead and threw for matt. i’m glad that his birthday was a good one, i really am, but those fools worry me every damn minute now. i guess that’s the other thing i feel. worry. a lot of worry. anyway. matt, margie, wenda, victoria, anna, bear, harley, thumper…they were all there, and i got to talk to each of them for at least a few minutes. wenda sang for me. i made her laugh by using the filters on facebook’s camera. haha, turned myself into a fire breathing dragon at one point, and damn near threw her off! hahah!!!! that’s one for the scorecard. so, while my foolish, foolish friends in freaking south florida have me worried for them, it was still a nice little break from the usual gut splitting grief i feel. later on in the conversations, it got harder. wenda said what i’ve been thinking and it just made me cry. “you need to come home, now. this has been…you know…great…and…yeah. great, or…whatever. but i’m over it. we need you here. you need to come home, where you belong.” it made me cry because she’s right. and i can’t. so…i sit here most days, missing you so deeply that even music can’t quite comfort me, and wishing i was where i want to be. missing my life. being angry at joe for making me give it up. hating this situation, but still wanting, and even needing, to find a way to make it okay, smile a little, try not to make mom feel bad. and do you know what mom says? mom, when she saw that i’d been crying when she woke up this afternoon, said “oh, jesus christ, again?”

fuck off mom. kindly pucker up and kiss my ass because no! not again! STILL!!!!! I STILL MISS HIM AND MY HEART DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHY IT IS BREAKING. I STILL WANT THIS TO BE A DAMNED LIE! THE WORST JOKE EVER PLAYED!! STILL!!  i will ALWAYS want that! she keeps telling me that it takes TIME….but then she’s just…

and you know me, lovey. you know how i am. i’m sitting here reminding myself that while yes, she has lost her brother, and i can not understand how that feels, she has not lost the man she loved…and she cannot fathom how i feel right now. i’m trying to be understanding because hurt people hurt people….and they mostly don’t even mean to.

she has this way of making absolutely everything about her. she has even decided she “knows” you well enough to “yell at” you. excuse me? EXCUSE me? i am sure you’d wave it off as not a big deal, and i’m sure when i’m not feeling like this i will acquiesce to accepting that opinion, for your sake if not for mine. but right now it makes me ANGRY. really fucking ANGRY. she’d never even MET you. she doesn’t know the sound of your voice. she doesn’t know what your gaze feels like. she doesn’t know what being enveloped in a hug from the ginormous Captain Spydr was like. and she CERTAINLY doesn’t know what your softer, gentler touches were like, or the way you moved your mouth when we kissed. she has never heard you call me a single one of the pet and nick names you called me. (found a way old message today. we had been playing phone tag…and you finally messaged me. ‘hey puddin.’ with a little picture of a baby harley quinn. ‘meet me at mickeys?’ sigh.) she did NOT know you, and it makes me angry that she thinks she has ANY claim to you, never mind enough clout to YELL AT YOU. don’t you listen to a word of it. you already know, anyway. nothing she’s telling you is anything i haven’t a million times. i still say – in this house, the only one you belonged to in ANY way was ME. and frankly, i like it that way. i’m selfish when it comes to you. i’ll share you…i will. but not with EVERYone.

part of me feels a little…i don’t even know what…about feeling this way. but it’s the way it is. again, with the sigh. i’m trying, baby, i really am. i’m trying to keep my chin up, so the crown doesn’t slip. i’m trying to make us both proud. i’m trying to just…keep at least my nose above water, so i don’t drown in this emotional roller coaster ride. it isn’t forever, right? it will eventually be better….easier. right now, it feels like it will never feel any different. that every mention of your name will bring me to tears for as far ahead as i can see…which is admittedly a very limited view.

i need a vacation. i need a hug. i need a night of singing and drinking wine with thumper and spice, and then climbing into bed with my girls for some TV and snuggles. whenever one of us was really sad, wenda and i would get into her bed, and snuggle into our blankets, and either watch movies or TV, and intermittently talk, hug, cry, whatever we needed to do. when she was going through the custody thing, before The Big Fight, we’d been watching a show, and she’d gotten all emotional, and grabbed my hand. we just sat there for an hour or so, gripping hands. for someone with little doll baby hands, she’s got quite the grip, too. but it’s just how we are. and thumper and i used to do the same thing. i’d go over on a sunday, and we’d watch true blood while drinking amazing tea in bed together. hell or any day, really. we usually ended up either in the bed watching tv and having a good snug, or in the garage playing silly video games. HAH!! i miss those golden olden days. maybe if we get a king, all three of us can snug. ooooooooh. that sounds comforting. just being around them sounds like it would be so good for my soul. and i bet i could talk them into sushi, too. <3

it sounds almost as good as “*maybe* a mile and a half from the beach.” almost.

oh, my sweet. as usual, “talking to you” helps. i miss our talks. like you said, never did have a problem with that. i miss how you’d play with my hands while we talked. you always liked to be touching me, but especially while we were talking, for some reason. i found it to be a lovely benefit of fantastic conversations with my spydr. it felt good. it was sweet. sometimes it was insistent, and a little…mm. exciting? which sounds silly, when you consider i am basically talking about you rubbing my hands, but still. sometimes it was just light tracing on the fingers. sometimes it was probing a bit at my palms, like a massage. (mmmm. yes please more.) sometimes it was just holding my hand. stroking my thumb. whatever….i miss it. i’ll tell ten million people the same thing ten million times each, and hope that somehow it reaches you, lovey. i miss you. i miss you like wild fire.

i should probably finish up with this. it’s a little after five am. i have some things i’d like to do tomorrow, and the best time is the morning, when mom’s still abed, and i don’t have to worry about her being in my way, or scrutinizing my every move and cough and sigh. the stress of this pandemic is getting to everyone. mom included.

honestly, it’s getting to me, too. compounding with all of….-waves hands vaguely.- this…it’s a heavy load right now. i’ve got it, but. it’s heavy.

i love you, sweetheart. i miss you something terrible…a mean kind of missing you, that bites. come see me…when i close my eyes, meet me in dreams, okay? because i miss your sweet, sweet smile, and your gentle eyes, and your handsome face….come see me. i’ll be looking for you.

lolak

…your sugarz