the lasts of the firsts

dear spydr,

i have grown mostly okay with your absence, but there are some days that are, naturally, harder than others. we have entered the last month of the firsts. birthday. valentine’s. the anniversary of losing you. it’s been hard.

the weekend was good. i had fun with The Crew, laughing all of saturday night. we meant to play a game, but we never did manage to get that far, just chatting around the table, having a lot of fun. it was my kind of birthday celebration. we even had ice cream cake.

the blessed day (hahaha) began with me not wanting to get out of bed to go over to my brother’s house, and a forecast for eight more inches of snow. you know me, love. i went anyway. i am just trying to keep the peace, and he had called the night before, insisting.  i DID make him promise to wait till after 9. and he did. but i ended up awake at 6 anyway, so whatever.

after a dicey ride home in blizzard/whiteout conditions, i just hung out on the couch and had snacks with mom. we watched bar rescue instead of the stupid bowl, and i fielded calls and texts from everyone but the one i wanted them from. i really missed you. went back and read our after-the-birthday-call chat. skipped our last chat. i’ll probably read it sunday.

and then you were gone. we got busy. you worked your ass off. man, beginning of the season’s the best, isn’t it? barely a break. and you’d not been feeling good that night and if i had to wage a guess NOW, given the info i have and the messages i have read and reread and reread and memorized…i’d say DVT resulting in PE.

i miss you. like hellfire. i miss your teasing and your support. i miss your encouragement, and your love. i miss you so much, my throat gets tight and my eyes get wet when i think about it. which these last few days has been very often.

…my teeth are almost fixed. i get my second vaccine tomorrow. there’s so much to catch you up on…but i suddenly can’t see the computer, and i’m…tired of making corrections.

come see me soon. lolas

…your sugarz