The Glue

dear spydr…

they are closing so-be. and las olas. broward seems to be resisting so far, but it won’t be long now. see? we DID fall apart when you left us. told you we would.

i decided not to speak with wenda about how i am feeling about losing you. i imagine this is how she felt when cj passed…but not quite the same. if she asks, i’ll elaborate…but at least for now…i don’t want to explain why i didn’t talk to her about it more. i don’t want to be grilled. i don’t want to defend what we were doing. to me, putting it all out there now is the same as having it all out there then…and neither one of us was about that. this thing with you belonged almost exclusively to me. people knew what we showed and told them. if they saw you kissing me at mickey’s and didn’t figure something was going on, that’s not my problem. i like it that way. i owe no one, including wenda, a window THAT clear into my life. that’s something i give willingly. as you know. …i don’t know, babe, i just feel the need to protect this. protect us? i am torn between explaining why i am taking this so hard, and keeping it to myself. i’ve explained in the simplest terms possible – that i loved you, and we dated while i was in FL, and that had i still been IN FL, we would still be dating – to some of the important people. wenda. logan knows a little more. thumper and matt. fox knows. zac, a little…though i did copy him on this letters thing so…he’ll know more if he follows along. (hm…i think I’m good with that, actually. i know that if you aren’t you’ll find a way to let me know….) and people here….only a small handful know the depths for me. you. alex. cathy. i did tell India that things changed when i came back to connecticut, and i am pretty sure she has read through our messages, so she knows a little more than i am comfortable with…but she is yours. and since you can’t be here anymore, there’s a little bit of comfort knowing someone who is so very YOURS and still “with me” here on earth, knows too.

i am hopeful your memorial goes off without a hitch, but am watching the florida news outlets like a hawk.

india is going to attend the celebration of life wednesday. i am going to dress like i am going. makeup. hair. perfume. I don’t have your favorite shirt anymore…oh wait, maybe i do. i’ll look. anyway. the pants i told you about that you’d have liked. if your shirt’s not in my suitcase, i have another in mind. plenty of cleavage, i promise. your favorite boots. i will never wear those boots and not think of you. you’re the reason they made it onto the train that day to begin with. anyway…i expect my video chat to be extremely busy wednesday night. i also expect to have very wet cheeks most of the evening.

I have mom-stuff to handle before she gets out of bed. I am also supposed to be cleaning for an early appointment tomorrow morning. i’ll do that tonight. and i’m sure i’ll be back to write you again. it helps…

i love you, spydr, and i miss you terribly.

lolak

…sugarz