Please Don’t Stop The Music

dear spydr…

today is day 22 without you. i wonder when i will stop thinking in terms of days? everyone around me is doing the same, but they are counting quarantine days. me? i’m still in the same place i was three weeks ago. missing you. feeling it every second of every day. a thousand times a day i think “i wish i could call spydr.” “haha, he’d love this meme.” “i wonder if he can hear my thoughts now? that’s creepy. and i bet he’s amused.” “who is taking care of logan now? i should check on him.” “what would spydr tell me if we were to talk about this?” “omg, he’d laugh so hard right now.” my internal monologue is full of you, and india and logan, and the kids. your house. the patch. the club. sunrise chapel. old memories. regrets about the memories we can’t make now. ugh.

some days are better than others. i don’t ALWAYS cry now. often. but not always. i even had a great night last night, social-distance-drinking with spice. (mom’s wine is severely depleted, and will likely deplete more in short order, but guess what? i don’t care. i bought it. she can share. and i always, always, ALWAYS get her more. ahem. back to spice.) we talked a LOT yesterday. not so much this week. but, we did talk about you, some. i told her that i had a hard time talking about you, because i didn’t want to answer questions yet about our relationship. i don’t know that i’ll ever want to answer those questions, and while that’s absolutely okay, as far as i am concerned, it does make expressing myfeelings to my best friends a little…challenging. so i told her that. and bless her….she said “you know, i was thinking about that. and i DO have a lot of questions. but the fact is, your relationship with Spydr was COMPLETELY yours, and totally different from mine, from thumper’s, from everyone else’s. i know that. and i know how much you love him. and i know how much he loved you. that’s all anyone needed to know then, or needs to know now, or needs to know in the future. You Loved Each Other. that should be enough of an explanation.” it was refreshing. i needed it.

last night, though, was all about the laughs. oh lord, did we laugh!! i needed that, too.

i went ahead and sent scott and nick a message after their live show last night. i HAD to tell them about our weird bonepony bonding time LOL!! Scott was sorry to hear the news, and was absolutely humbled and touched that Soap was The Song. he was so pleased to know it brought us together, and so sorry to know that right now, PSOB is more my speed when it comes to you. he’s keeping the family in his thoughts, because he’s awesome.

i am having a tough time without being able to sing. i just can’t get the support i need to really lay it out, you know? the break note is still the same, but i can’t even GET to it without the right breathing. and with the clots not dissolved yet, i don’t have the right breathing. boooo. add to that, all the things i really want to sing remind me of you in some way or another. stars by grace potter is a bit of my undoing today. if i can ever get through it without crying, it’s the one i’ll dedicate to your memory when i have the chance.

i don’t have anything else to say. you know that’s not…really true. i have a thousand things to say. but none of them really matter…

well. except maybe that i love you. and i miss you. and i wish you were here. those seem to be the only ones that really matter.

lolak

…your sugarz