not naked, still afraid

dear spydr…

i have been avoiding you. i’m sorry. it’s been a hell of a ….few weeks. there’s so much for us to talk about, and some of it uncomfortable, but i don’t even want to delve into all that right now. the only thing i came to say is….my god, i wish you were here.

i got a new diagnosis yesterday that…well. i admit it, i’m afraid. and you’re not here to talk me down, and keep on my ass about taking care of this (not that there’s much i can do. it’s chronic, progressive, and incurable.) and making sure i am doing what i am supposed to do, so that i will be around to collect those hugs you’d been saving. sigh. i want those hugs more today than i have in a long time.

so, early yesterday the phone rang, and it was my doctor’s office. i’d expected to hear from them mondayish, but they took their sweet time reading the echocardiogram and the ultrasound, i guess. they said i have baker’s cysts on the back of both knees that need drained. no big deal, i’ll take care of that at some point. the big deal is the cardiac diagnosis, and you know how i feel about those. i try and try not to show it, but you and wenda know how scared i get when they tell me my heart is involved in whatever is wrong. well, this is no different. i’m going to have to call and set an appointment with a therapist, i can already tell you that much. …shit, baby, even typing it…you know i’m putting it off…okay. here we go.

i have been diagnosed with pulmonary artery hypertension. they believe it was caused by the lung clots. it is progressive, and incurable.

sigh.

okay. so. that being out there…i have an appointment with the new cardiologist on the twenty-second. he just got my (super large) chart from dr gould, so he wanted to get a handle on all the things we already know are wrong. and now, this new thing.  the progression is scary, but the doctor said my case is “mild” right now. in a way, i’m very lucky. many people go YEARS and YEARS without a proper diagnosis. it’s only been about three years for me. honestly, that’s because i put it off, and chalked it up to my weight, or my other issues. this was and is its own, i guess. there are medications that can ease the leg pain (which is just….like. i can’t even describe it.) and the breathing issues…so MAYBE i’ll be able to sing again. but. right now, it just feels huge, and like i won’t be able to do damned near ANYthing anymore.

i don’t know, babe. i just wish you were here. i know if we were both where we were supposed to be, i would shoot you a text, and you’d be at the door in a hot minute, ready to listen, ready to cuddle and comfort me, and ready to take this on with your infallible optimism. funny, that. my cynical, pessimistic love, who was nothing but encouraging and positive with me. <3 lord, how i miss you.

have not spoken to logan lately. i will this week, and will report back, i promise. and i’ll keep you posted with what happens next, you know i will.

and we need to discuss your memorial at mickey’s, love. don’t worry – don’t. i’m good. i get it. we’ll ‘talk’ about it next time.

love you, babe. and miss you so damn much.

lolak

…your sugarz