Not A Joke
march 11 2020
…dear spydr.
it’s victoria’s birthday. my internet is out, and so is my phone. i am so cut off from all of our family, spydr, that i don’t even know what to do with myself. my entire focus is on you right now, and….it just hurts. i’ve never cried so much. i could fill a canyon with these tears. …i wish that meant i’d be able to reach where you are. i’d get to you, i swear i would.
“acceptance” is supposed to be a stage, right? i ACCEPT that you’re gone, i do. but
it doesn’t stop the hurt.
part of me is tired of hurting. i want to be wherever you are, so much. i want to be leaned against you. or holding your hand. i am scared. i don’t want you to be scared too. how do i travel this path, love? you were the one always there for me with that sort of thing…hell, you were always there for me for ANY sort of thing! you have NEVER let me down, baby, ever! you were the best man i ever knew – the kindest soul. this is a fucking travesty. i’m devastated. i love you. i’m so sorry….
i reached out directly to india today. i’m sure she is having a hell of a time, and i know lots of people are reaching out, but i also know you’d want me to. i didn’t tell her much. i don’t know, i never tell anyone much about us. the basics. but i gave her a little more, so she knew at least how i felt about you. i wanted to offer my help. and to ask for a few of your things. (nothing exciting. your wicked hat. your harley quinn t shirt. anything that smells of you.) i don’t expect to hear back from her right away, if at all, but i didn’t think it would hurt to offer, or to ask. so.
reached out to logan today too. spoke with him briefly. i know he’s at the house — well, he was driving his roommate home to orlando when we spoke, but he’s been at the house since early sunday morning. he picked india up at the airport tuesday. that was a shocker, the last message i’d sent you was unread until she claimed your personal items.
i guess she knows more than i told her, if she read all that. <3
also, WOW BABE I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. wow. wowowow. and i am so HUMBLED and HONORED and i feel so RESPECTED AND APPRECIATED AND LOVED!!! THANK YOU!!! WOW!!!! wow. you put in the work…for me. i can’t. you didn’t have to you know, i’d have been happy with a flirtation, then an online flirtation, then wooing you completely upon my return! HAH! but you…you engineered something, huh? color my surprise a happy one…and a sad one. thank you. i love you. i still would rather have you here.
i ate something today. just a little. it made me sick. everything makes me sick right now.
why can’t this be a joke….i’m….
and the worst part. the worst part is that…i should BE THERE. this was OUR WEEK DAMNIT. fucking flight restriction. fucking clots. fucking doctors. (i know i know. shh)
and now i am not, and i can’t even get there and there’s no one to take mom, and i just…
how do i do goodbye when i’m all the way here, and you’re all the way there? where are my lolak now, when i’d give anything to be able to look down at my phone and smile…fuck, spydr, i miss you so much! is there a bottom to this grave? i’d say well, but water is cleansing and healing and cooling. it feels too bright. a grave is the same, but the darkness matches what i’m feeling and the soil suits me better right now. no chance of sinking when the thought of you pulls the air out of my lungs in a whoosh.
the ME is releasing you tonight.
I’m sure i’ll speak with Logan at some point.
his heart breaks with mine. at least we’re not alone.
i love you, spydr
-sugarz