me, trying.

Dear Spydr…

..so this is how it will be from now on, huh? me typing things into the interwebz, hoping you’re sitting behind me somewhere in the ether, reading over my shoulder. it’s not how i’d prefer to be, to be honest. but i told you i was better with the written word than i ever have been at speaking.

today is day seven. the night before last, i had some pretty big epiphanies. i watched the video you’d asked me to convert a few months back. finally. i don’t know why i didn’t watch it when you sent it. i just didn’t. and when pr woody spoke, i understood why. and when you spoke, i understood why. you were always showing up when i needed you to the most, and that night was no exception. some would call what i did a delusion, or some break in my sanity, but if that’s what it was, i’m thankful for it. i swear you were there. i swear we were laughing and joking and listening together. twice, i felt you touch me. i miss that. i’ve been missing that, but now i can’t even look forward to it, and…sigh. that’s the part that hurts.

there’s so much between us that no one else knew. or that they knew but didn’t understand the depth of, maybe. there were people who didn’t believe what they thought they were seeing. i think people were so used to my being so open and out there with whatever i was doing, and being that i hung around with wenda almost exclusively, and we ALL know what she’s up to, despite her claim otherwise….i don’t know. what i do believe is that YOU knew, and I knew, and WE BOTH knew that was enough. what little i revealed to others, i wanted to. what you did or didn’t talk to others about was up to you. but i want to tell you, i enjoyed every single second. bill redding said it the other day — you were THE NICEST MAN. never a negative word, about anyone. (except for you occasionally, but…i like to hope we made up for those moments. you were my Clark Kent. you know that.) i mourn you deeply, for so many reasons, and it’s hard sometimes to clarify them, even just to myself. so. i’m going to try to do that here.

first, and foremost honestly, you were my friend. more than that, you were a part of that awesome little family we had going on in Pompano. dinner? patio time? drinks? wanna see a movie? let’s play cards. whatcha up to? Meet me at…? hello i’m here open up. you were ALWAYS welcome, ALWAYS a happy surprise, ALWAYS our Spydr. i loved when we would be hanging on the couch, and the rumble of your bike would split through the air as you rounded the first rotary on 11th. i’d look at wenda, and she’d look at me, and one of us would say “spydr?” or “….are we expecting spydr?” we never did anything but smile. “we are now!” i loved the mornings we’d wake up to you outside. and the evenings you’d be waiting for one of us to get home from work or errands or whatever, just hanging in the quiet of our courtyard. we had an amazing thing happening in that little place, my friend, and i am so thankful for the time we had. i will never forget. ever. little moments from all those years of them fly through my head, and i’m overcome with gratitude. some of them get a little jumbled, but that’s because….well…because secondly…

i grieve deeply for the things that were blossoming between us for so long. i know the reasons they took their time, and frankly, given what i know now, i am GLAD for the reasons. not because you are not here, now, but because, had God not laughed at our plans, i firmly believe we had Big Potential. I already loved you. I don’t know if you loved me like i loved you, but i DO know you loved me, too. (see above.) knowing what i know now, it shows me what kind of work you were putting in for me. you had some fears. we had some time. you used it wisely. i’m proud of you. i feel honored. i am bereft at what we lost, that we never really got to have to begin with.

confession: i was a bit afraid, too. but not enough to turn you down, had you made your moves earlier. just so you know.

i remember one time, one of those glorious times when you kissed me and you NEARLY went further. you always stopped yourself RIGHT AT THE LAST SECOND…and left me breathless and wanting. so close, spydr, so close. and the last time you kissed me…it isn’t a favorite memory in the sense that it’s not one i’ll draw on in happier times right now…but it’s beautiful, and beloved. i wish our final kiss was not a memory, but rather a thing to dread, someday, in the far flung future…but if wishes were gumdrops, right?

wenda reminded me about movie night the other day. how you and she were making fun of will so hard because he was so scared about The Boy. i’d gotten startled at first, but that was to be expected. why did i need to be reminded, you ask? well. it’s because that was the first night we had actually managed to snuggle up on the couch. you were all leaned back and comfy looking, and i wasn’t sure i’d be able to resist that. so when you laid your leg over mine, and pulled, my attention was…drawn somewhere else. then you took my hand, and put it under your opposite arm, and wrapped your free arm around my shoulder…and i listened to your heart beat, bounced about when you laughed (and teased will), and stroked the hand that rested in the hollow of my shoulder. THAT was where MY focus was. when you left that night, we waited for the couple to retire, and sat on the patio for another hour, before you looked at me hard, kissed me equally so, stroked my face, and strode off. i remember watching you, my arms crossed, one finger curled a bit over my mouth, until you rode off…and i remember the moment you paused, and almost came back. hell, i almost chased after you. then you backed out, checked your helmet one last time, started her up, raised a hand, nodded, and disappeared into the night. i stood there a few more moments, and just….loved every second of it.

you may think i didn’t take some of your hints, love, but that’s not quite true. i had a bit of a biased reaction to a lot of it, but i got them. i just…didn’t want to be wenda, pushing and pushing at something, without letting it grow. not everything happens at the pace we want, or goes in the direction we want. i didn’t have any desire to jump into anything that i didn’t understand. getting to know you over all those years, the ‘courtship’ of it, was MY way, and the way you didn’t seem to mind it either. i appreciate your nature. i appreciate you honoring my feelings and my doubts and my own insecurities in that way…and even if that wasn’t your usual way, i love you for doing it with me. and i hope you know, i treasure every moment.

truth be told, i have never been loved in the way that you loved me. don’t get me wrong. i’ve been loved by some absolutely amazing men. some douche bags, too, but who hasn’t? but they led me to you, and your amazing love, and if it hadn’t been for that, i don’t think i’d know half the things about that subject that i know today. i know what it’s like to fall for someone i’d consider a close friend. i know what it’s like to have him be there to catch me, whether he was feeling the same or not. i know what it’s like for someone to put the hard work into themselves for me, without my prompting them. i know what it’s like to be taken on proper dates. i know that slow and steady always wins the race. i know that the potential of what we had was better than the reality of anything else i’d ever experienced. and i know what losing real love, real, pure, honest love to the Kingdom of Heaven feels like. i have to admit i don’t particularly like this last one. and i’m maybe not handling it well. you’d certainly disapprove…but as always, at least with me, at least for now, i know you’d understand. and you’d drag me out of my hole, if needed. i have no doubt. like i said before — you always came through for me, Spydr. always, no matter what. in my heart, i am well aware that you always would have. i told you a thousand times (and you agreed! thankfully.) that you were my hero. now you are my angel. i promise, i won’t ride faster than you can fly.

you meant so many things, Spydr, to so many people. sometimes, when we go through this world, we don’t REALLY know the impact we’ve made. i hope we are showing you now. i hope you knew then.

to me, you will always be my brightest sunrise, and the truest love i’d ever been given. thank you for being my Spydr. I’ll always be your Sugarz…and I will miss you forever.

you are GBNF, babe. i will try to remember how you liked to make me *super happy* and i will do everything in my power to Make Us Both Proud….and if your predictions are true about my eventual reward, then, my friend, my favorite scoundrel, and my love, i will see you when i see you.

LOLAK

sugarz