making an effort

dear spydr…

summer is harder here in new england, at least for me. it’s hot and humid, just like back home, but unlike down south, not every house has central AC. in fact, most do not. i am afraid i have become very spoiled with the florida way of life. since there is no AC in my bedroom, it’s either sleep in puddles of sweat on the tempurpedic bed i do not love, or sleep in the living room. clearly, i prefer not to be sweaty while i sleep, so. living room it is. in my case, it only sucks because the couch is broken, and sleeping in a recliner isn’t exactly what i would call ideal. oh well. better than sweat, i suppose.

i have spent the majority of the weekend being alone. i mean, with mom, but mostly alone. i took a break from that for the fourth, and went to cathy and tom’s house. we had a blast. mom came and everything – i was so proud of her! she says she will try not to dismiss invitations out of hand anymore – it went far more easily than she anticipated, and even the little hiccups, we managed with grace. getting her out of the house and social is a big goal, as you know, so. i’m happy with this progress.

i just didn’t want to talk about what’s happening. i have told exactly three people who are not family. cathy, jayb, and wenda. well, and you, but. you’re family. so. i keep looking up info on this thing. i don’t want to go in unarmed. at the same time, i feel like i’m reading too much. i have to remember that my doctor said the sonogram looked like it was a “mild” case. thing is, if this is a mild case of this terrible demon disease, and i feel like this…how the hell am i supposed to make it as it progresses? what if the medicine doesn’t help? what if i can never really sing again?

what if i can never sing again?

i should call wenda. i should call thumper. but i just don’t wanna. there’s a lot i don’t want to hear, you know? it’ll be okay, they’ll figure out the treatments, you’ll figure out how to handle it. i know….i know. but. right now, i’m angry and sad. and i just want that to be okay.

mom has been sleeping very late lately, and even though it’s after eight, it is time for me to figure out what to make for dinner, since breakfast was at four. ugh.

i love you, spydr. i miss you like wildfire.

lolak

…your sugarz