Lost Days

march 10, 2020

dear spydr…

i can barely function.

i can’t stop crying. you’re supposed to be at bike week in daytona, with logan. i’m supposed to be lounging around in your living room eating your ice cream while you two live it up with your brothers and sisters. you should be sending me pictures of the bands, and the boobs (come on! party pooper.) and the booths and the bikes….with a lolak in there somewhere… i’m…we’re supposed to go sing and…and..

they said you had a heart attack, but i don’t know if i believe them. i know how healthy you are. the article didn’t cite a source. you know how i am about citing a source.

india is handling this as best she can. i’m praying for us all, but especially for india. i know you’d want me to do what i can, but spydr…right now…i can’t DO anything! i don’t even know where to start with myself.

i lost yesterday entirely. stayed in bed. i talked to a few people. wenda. kathy. i called alan. (oy.)

…i just. how do i explain this to anyone!?

i love you so much, spydr…i just don’t know what i am going to do without you. how am i supposed to…i don’t even know.

i can’t believe this is real. it feels like the worst dream i’ve ever had. like you took the air with you when you left me. you were not supposed to die! that was our NUMBER ONE RULE SPYDR!!! NO DYING!!! after everything we talked about and all the plans and the anticipation and the….this has to be a joke. it HAS to be.

my heart is beyond broken. i can’t even see the pieces. and if i could, i wouldn’t want to touch them anyway, nevermind put them back together.

where is my hero? he can’t be dead. he can’t. you can’t! 🙁 i have never been this sad. i don’t know how to act right now. i feel empty. going through the motions to make sure mom is okay, but every time i so much as consider thinking about you, i’m a mess again. a commercial comes on with a song that makes me think of you, and i have to run to throw up. i haven’t eaten in..i don’t know. or care, if i’m honest. i’m taking my medicine, but…i know you’d want me to take care of myself, but even breathing without you hurts. everything hurts.

please come back, spydr. please let this be a joke….please…