I’ll Be Your Huckleberry

dear spydr…

you know, i do believe i really like this nightly ritual. i mean, i like that i can do it whenever i want, but i really think i like the bed time ritual. write to spydr, get everything out, fill him in on what’s really happening (there’s not much of that now – i don’t care much at the moment. though that’s changing daily. i’m sure i’ll get you up to speed soon.), say goodnight, and go to bed. it might be something i keep for the long haul.

i’m having a hard time with the whole “the world just keeps on moving along.” thing. in the throes of everything that happened over this past week, i said it to someone. or i typed it on facebook. something. i said “it’s hard when the world doesn’t stop for your broken heart.” and i meant it. i still do. i’m not ready for all the stuff that’s happening, and it seems unwise to be so unprepared. i mean, we have everything we need, save a few medications that will be delivered tomorrow…and i can still go to the grocery store (though i may have to get creative for transportation.) so i don’t really see any issues there…i just feel like there should be something i can do? i don’t know? then i think, girl, you have been in that house 10 months straight. literally NOTHING about your weekly routine needs to change, because you’re already doing what the CDC suggests. and THAT makes me laugh like crazy. ugh. turns out i’ve been training for this moment in history since i left your side, my love. who knew? i’ve got this social distancing thing down.

i would still fly if i could, though, so. just so we’re clear.

everyone’s focus seems to be shifting away from the tragedy of last week. some of us, those of us who were closest to you, are stuck here in it. mired in the mud and the muck of sadness, disappointment, and a whole host of “what ifs” that each of us silently battles. i could hear it in logan’s voice when we talked the other day. he said something about the last time y’all talked, and sort of trailed off…as if somehow, that conversation held the answers, or even just a clue. i catch myself doing it too. when i read back over our valentine’s day chat, (i know we spoke after, but admittedly, i’m sad that that’s the last REAL chat, other than the here and there hellos, that we shared. though it’s nice to know you heard me say those very important things, rather than reading them. …wait, i derailed again. i’m going back…) i thought to myself. “you should have told him to be careful. to be checked. he’d been tired a lot. you should have made him go to the doctor.” and then i had to reign it in. because let’s face it, had i tried to make you go to the doctor for being TIRED, neither one of us would have taken me seriously. and the fact is, you were already doing all the right things for your ailments. hell, that very night, you said you were sitting with your sore feet in a hot epsom salts bath, and were quite content to watch a Carrol Shelby documentary. i looked and looked and looked through that chat. i searched for ANYthing that would explain all this, somehow making it make some kind of sense. and there just wasn’t anything. you were happy to be ‘throwing kisses’ (because blowing them didn’t send them very far…and i’m very far. damn you for your cuteness. no one would E V E R believe half this stuff. i might have, had someone else told me this is what you were like, but i doubt it. not to this extent. no worries, babe. i loved every single second. you can “damn EVE!!!” me any time.) and chatting with me while i contemplated the merits of turning into a movie-streaming-pumpkin for the night.  you were fine. everything was going swimmingly, except for my travel plans. there just wasn’t any hint. no precursor, unless you just didn’t say anything. (and spydr, i swear, if you just didn’t say anything, and i somehow find out about it….i’m going to be very mad at you. VERY mad. JUST SO WE ARE CLEAR.)  i would imagine india is doing the same. maybe even alan, though i have my own opinions about that one. (another time. after the grump dies down. mine and that in the air around me. ahem. i’d glare if it would matter. she is making me nuts.) while i hate to think that either india or logan is doing the same thing i am doing, and trying to find any kind of sign that we might have missed, it’s…well. kind of comforting. it makes me feel more (wait for it…..)….normal. ish. (don’t you dare laugh.)  i KNOW we didn’t miss anything, spydr. we all loved you way too much to be dismissive of anything you said, nevermind an ailment. and i was on your health like you were on mine. so i KNOW we didn’t.

but baby, fuck if we aren’t going to keep looking anyway.

truth is, we don’t even know what we’re looking for, until the ME’s report is released. sigh. i know they say up to six weeks…but….come on already. you know? if i can’t have my spydr, i want some answers. (…i’d still rather have my spydr.)

okay, let’s let me get off the sad sally stuff for a bit, and actually update you on what’s happening other than surrounding your departure. like i said, nothing stopped just because my heart broke. still have to adult. here we go.

first, my health. and don’t get mad, because i’m about to confess something, and i already feel guilty enough, so i’m gonna need that twisty lipped amusement look in advance please. sooooo. what i’ve been leaving out. after we spoke on the 15th, i was having some crazy trouble. my kidney hurt like hell. i thought “great, a stone, perfect.” no biggie, right? i’ve had stones on stones on stones for years. i can handle a stupid stone. only i couldn’t. it got really bad later in the day, so i headed off to the ER for anti-emetics and to make sure there was no blockage/check the size for …ahh… passage concerns, the usual. they took films, didn’t find a big stone so figured it could be gravel (only microscopic OUTSIDE of the body, i can tell you from experience.) and sent me on my way. (so nothing to tell. see?) the next morning, my phone rang, and it was my PCPs office. which never used to happen in florida, so that was weird. anyway, they were calling because the hospital had sent them the films, and when my doctor was looking them over, he noticed what he thinks is a cyst on my kidney. it presents with the same symptoms as a stone, if it presents symptoms at all. and whew, i had ALL the symptoms. they asked me originally to go see a urologist, but when they called me, they switched me to nephrology. (and okay, that scared me enough. stones are usually just urology. sending me to another specialist scares me every time, ever since the heart stuff.) that’s where we stand currently. i was supposed to have an appointment with them tomorrow, but this coronavirus BS has them running scared, too, and they are not accepting new patients. awesome. another MONTH of this. but i’ll see my PCP on wednesday, so we’ll see what we can do about the pukiness and the pain while i not-so-patiently wait. and before you ask me, the reason i didn’t say anything was because we were busy that week, remember? whenever we had time to shoot off a message or drop a text or even make a quick miss you call, i didn’t think about it. i was so excited to hear your voice, it just….i didn’t think to mention it. plus, the day we spoke was the day they’d actually given me meds. my brain wasn’t very connected when we finally connected. i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to leave you out of that particular loop. in a way, though, i’m glad. one less worry for your already overburdened heart.

next subject – the brother. the brother is still being a complete and total dickwad. you already know alllll about the last several years, and i am here to tell you NOTHING has changed. in fact, it’s gotten worse. (think Kelly Brothers night, but double it, and then double it again.) i remember when you offered to have someone pay him a visit. is THAT still an option? hah. i’ll call Beast if i need anything that grisly, i promise. i just made myself laugh so hard! i am picturing my brother going up against Beast, and it’s amazing! like celebrity death match! i wish i could draw, babe, i have some funny shit in my head. anywhore, it’s gotten to the point where he is no longer welcome here. at all. he said there was no need for us to have a relationship, and i guess he meant it. he pulled some shit last week during all this that absolutely sent me over the edge, and i am done. he doesn’t think we need a relationship, then i guess we don’t. he’s so much like my father. it makes me sick.

see, this is why i always said NO when you asked me if you reminded me of my dad. absolutely NOT. first of all, gross. secondly, if you reminded me of my dad, i would be as far away from you as i could get. i want to believe what other people believe about my father, but i don’t. i can still see your face in the dim light of the Starlite Lounge when i told you something recent about him. (i don’t even remember what it was, it was so long ago, but it’s sad that i’d have to inventory so much to figure it out.) every male who is a father that i have ever shared anything about him with had the exact same look on their faces when i finished. it isn’t like anything he has done is some isolated incident. my brother is, sadly, the same way. this is how he always is. the kids tell me he is always drunk. he’s a hypocrite. he’s mean to them for no reason. (i believe them. i’ve seen him do it.) their mom is working on getting a bigger place, but they’re expensive here. and this coronavirus thing. ugh. i really did get dropped into the middle of a mess, my love. i’m thankful you were there for me when this all came to light, i really am. i just…wish you were here to help me through the rest. i could use a good strong grip on your hand right about now. (plus, i just like holding your hand. so. there’s that.)

i just spoke briefly with zac. (another good thing that seems to be coming of this.) apparently, broward is going into emergency and curfew modes, preparing for an eventual lock down. my goodness. this is going to be a disaster.

all right, captain, my captain. time to dredge up a happy memory, so i can drift off thinking about the way you always had of making me smile. how about….

remember the very first time you kissed me? i mean, really kissed me, not those shy little not-quite-on-the-mouth-but-close ones you tried to pass off at first. i meeeeaaaaaannnnn, the first time you laid one on me. -laugh- man. what a crazy night. we were at mickey’s. spice and i were working a show, and you were there with chuck and cama and rob and robin. i think pepsi was there, too. stefanja. dawn was behind the bar. it was a busy, crazy night, and we had already packed the car, and sat down for an end of night cocktail and beer. alan and i had been outside sharing a joint. you came outside to find me – wanted to ask me something, i think – and we ended up back inside again. (that place needs a revolving door.) by the time we all decided we were done for the night, and it was time to head home, it was almost time for last call. so spice headed out with rob and robin, chuck and cama had already left, alan was counting his money. you were ahead of me as we headed out the back door…and then you stopped, turned on your heel, and as dawn called last call, you kissed me so thoroughly, i swayed. (i swear it was NOT the jaeger.) when i looked up afterward, you raised an eyebrow, nodded, turned again, and walked out, leaving me standing beside the pool table, completely thrown, and the bar DEAD SILENT. dead silent. seriously, spydr. i was beet red. i peeked over my shoulder, because i was NOT TURNING AROUND, and there’s alan in the doorway behind the bar, dawn standing board straight with her chin on the floor, and about six other people with their drinks suspended in front of them at varying degrees of “about to drink but too shocked to finish.” by the time i’d shaken the cobwebs loose, and made it out the door, you were astride the bike, and had just turned the key. i hightailed it to the car, where i was promptly grilled like a chicken breast by spice. and i could not. stop. grinning. one of the best first kisses i have ever had. which is why you got so many more. heh.

do you know how LONG ago that was? we were talking about that the other day, me and wenda. around six or seven YEARS AGO.

and yes, i knew. right then. at least, i knew i wanted to know more. thanks for letting me. <3

goodnight, my spydr. i miss you so much. i love you.

lolak

…sugarz