Green Grass Grows

dear spydr…

i’m happy to say that i have finally succeeded in finding a way to help your beautiful daughter somehow. i hate that i can’t be IN FLORIDA to do or coordinate everything i can for her, but if i can even do one thing, from here, i’ll be happy. and i think i might finally have found just the thing.

the city of delray keeps fining the property, because there’s no one to mow. you know how the city is. so eric posted a request to have someone come take care of it, but no one has contacted either him or india. i went ahead and posted it, as well, and both capt. john and boca joe stepped right up. neither has a mower, but boca joe knows everyone, and can borrow one….so once india agrees to it, i’ll take care of having him come by once every two weeks to mow. i told india i would take care of joe’s gas and time ($25 a mow. i can handle that.) for as long as she needs, until she decides what to do about the house. it’s something small that was on her plate, but if she agrees, doesn’t have to be anymore. and that was my goal. so. i hope she lets me do this for her. for you. i told you, i’d do anything for you, spydr. that’s still true. you never let me down, and i won’t let you down, either.

you know how i am about finding the good in things, and this dark time is no different for me. you’d laugh, but logan and i are talking a lot more. he’s always been one of my favorites, but even moreso, now. it is nice to talk to someone who was close to you in a different way, but just as intimate…if that makes sense. he is one of the people who wouldn’t believe SHIT you said to me or typed or sent to me. lol! he saw a few screen shots, but honestly, babe. your cynicism was legendary. that sort of explains a few things about my whole “something about you” feeling, but let’s not discuss that right now. let’s discuss how surprised logan was when he discovered that YOU were the one who started lolak. hahahaha! and the “throwing” kisses thing? my goodness, he was like, that smooth ass motherfucker!! LOL!! agreed. you were definitely smooth, my love. you got me good a couple of times, but mostly, i just really enjoyed our exchanges. you gave as good as you got – and sometimes, even better! <3 i miss that. i miss YOU.

we talked about how he has “oh, i want to send this to spydr…” and “need to call spydr” and “spydr would love…” moments all the time. i ended up confessing that my first moment like that was when marilyn was here, and i explained about this journal. i told him, i come here every time i think of a thing to tell you. every time my heart says “i need to tell spydr…” i open up this window, and write letters to your soul, hoping somehow, you can see them, or hear my thoughts as i spill them out into the ether. Him was right. I was meant to bleed on paper. logan’s response was typical logan, and i loved it – “some people write…and they should write.” i told him about how you didn’t believe me when i told you i wrote better than i could ever speak to anyone. “you never had any trouble with me, baby.” well, that’s ’cause you’re different, love. you’re special. “….so are you, my sugarz.” <3

there’s only one thing that sometimes makes me mad, spydr. at least thus far. it’s that we had every opportunity not to blow our shot, and we did anyway. like i said to logan, you had your reasons, and i had mine…and we took too long to get our shit straight. i hate that we wasted so much time.

annnnd yet….

there will always be a part of me that says…we wouldn’t have had the time we did to learn the things we did if we’d taken the shot, and blown THAT. i wouldn’t have been so sure of you. your cynicism wouldn’t have sloooowly melted away. i was so lucky to have already had such a strong, amazing relationship with you by the time either of us figured to give it a go, that i have very little doubt it would have been one of those epic, amazing things no one saw coming – not even us. i feel like we were both ready for one another…and that makes such a difference. you were one of my best friends – the best kind of best friend – and i feel lucky and proud to have loved, and to have been loved by, you.

the days bleed into each other. my friend marc will be by later to get me day drunk. lol! it’s nice to catch up with friends. and his mom is also elderly, so i know he’s been taking precautions, and i’m happy to have him by. he’s an interesting sort, but he has a good heart, and beautiful intentions, so i love hanging out with him. plus, he’s just weird enough to be interesting to talk to. always a bonus.

i miss you today. i mean, i miss you every day, but today, i really wish you could just…be here. with me. hanging out. i imagine those nights all over again, spydr, all the time. i miss movie nights. i miss meeting you for music at mickey’s. i miss you terribly.

sigh.

i love you spydr. always.

lolak

…sugarz