Drug KingPins and Tiger Cubs

dear spydr…

okay, first off, i am cracking up at some of our plans and memories today. it took until i woke up this morning to realize what i was putting together, but i’ve got it now, and OMG, that might be the best thing EVER.

i watched Tiger King the other day – all of it. it’s MARVELOUS. all the glorious makings of a train wreck, and as with all train wrecks, i just COULD NOT look away. i loved every second, but you knew i would. while i stayed out of the political side of the rescue business, i certainly heard all the rumors and saw all the weirdness. well. apparently not ALL of it. but EVERYONE knew about Carole Baskin and how she supposedly fed her husband to tigers. absolutely EVERYONE in the big cat rescue field had heard THOSE rumors, even this lowly volunteer coordinator! HAH! what i did not know was about MARIO!!!! SPYDR! LMAO

it took me a while. it did. but when i woke up this morning, i remembered something fuzzy from a bunch of years ago…we were at Turn 3, and you were showing me some pictures on your phone – you’d been down to homestead, and were holding TIGER CUBS in your pictures! i was enamoured, and you promised that if i ever agreed to ride on the bike with you, we’d have lunch at RoadRunner and go to see your FRIEND who had a small collection of big cats….usually with a few cubs here and there. it was part of the vacation we planned for earlier this month! SPYDR YOU KNEW THE DRUG KINGPIN IN TIGER KING!? i am HOWLING with laughter! this might be the funniest thing i have ever heard. absolutely, i can see how you two would be friends! HAHAHAHAH!!!  i cannot with you, Delmas Hayes, i just cannot. LOL!! a surprise around every corner. i fucking love you.

see, even when you aren’t here, you’re making me laugh. you were the best at that.

having a rough day mental health wise. this pandemic has me really rethinking my decision to move back here. hindsight being 20/20, natch, there’s not much i can do about it right now…but when the time comes, i am not staying here. i hate it here. i hate everything about it. i hate connecticut, i hate that i am so damned alone, all the time, i hate that my family doesn’t give two fucks, and i hate being separated from my friends by absolutely every force there is. i was happy to be near them all again, but i NEVER get to see them…even before this pandemic…and it’s awful, and i hate it, and i just want to be home with OUR family. OURS. where i know you’re still with us, because we are all together. where i have my spicey, and my thumpy, and my victoria and margie, and matt, and harley…i want OUR life back. i know it will never be the same without you, and that this past almost year has changed me in some big ways, but like wenda said last night.

“this has been great, or whatever, but…you need to come home now. where you belong.”

and i agree.

i’ll figure it out eventually. i will. but for today, i’m just missing you and sad, laughing about Mario, and wanting to be home where the weather is almost always wonderful, and there are abundant hugs, and people who K N O W ME. really know me. and really love me. and really care what happens to me, as much as i know, love, and care about them. not this fake ass “family.”

i know i did the right thing coming back here. i do. and i will continue to do the right thing, until it’s finished, however that happens. but once it’s done….once it is done, i’m gone.

i love you, spydr. and i miss you. and i wish with all of me that when i DO get back home, you were going to be there to greet me.

i should be productive today. i probably won’t. but i should be.

love you, spydr. so damn much. and miss you 100000 times more.

lolak

…your sugarz