Bedlam

dear spydr…

you know what’s a little funny? every time i go to write you a letter, i use a colon. it’s been a long time since i wrote proper letters to someone – almost as long as it’d been since i’d been on a proper date. in fact, i know just when and to just whom. when i first moved to pembroke pines in 2004, my aunt donna and i used to write back and forth. it was hard to get into the habit of not using my business writing skills when i was writing casual letters, and the colon is a bit of a throwback to that, i think. after aunt donna and i stopped writing, i don’t think i’ve written a real letter since, just business ones. i have ideas about the way this should look, though, so i fight my urges for capitalization (hah, just too lazy for that. also i move pretty quick on a keyboard, and i don’t like to take the time to hit the shift key, no matter what anyone says about how little time it takes.)…though i’m big on proper punctuation most of the time. heh. anyway. not a business letter. not a love letter this time, either, but maybe one of these days. -wink-

i just finished watching 6 underground, as you suggested way back whenever it was. i don’t know why i waited to watch it, babe, it was SO GOOD. i hope they make more. i liked everything about it – especially 3’s movie and tv quotes. he had me cracking up a couple of times. you never do point me in a bad direction. thanks.

let’s see, this is supposed to be the before bed update, so let’s get on with it. things were okay today. i had my moments, but i expect them, and i know they’ll pop up whenever they damn well please, so i don’t freak over them, or feel crazy anymore. i am really embracing the no wrong way, no SANE way to grieve thing. and grief is so weird. i mean, most human emotion has its weirdnesses, but this is just a weird thing all the way around. i’ll have to elaborate on that, but not tonight. i’m actually pretty tired, and hopeful for a good rest for once.

i must have slept funny on my shoulder, or something, it’s been killing me all day long. i have an ice pack to lay on, and i’ve taken some anti inflammatories, so bases are covered. it just hurts. i have an appointment at my PCP tomorrow, though, so i’ll address it with her, after she yells at me about my blood work. i’m a little nervous about that, if i’m honest. i have my old research sites from when i worked at the insurance company, and when there’s something i don’t understand in my medical stuff, i usually pull up good old MDA Guidelines and Cleveland and Mayo clinic sites to see what’s what. i try to ONLY look at the definitions of the words i don’t recognize, and go from there. (success, today.) i will admit, for now, only that i didn’t like what i saw about the words i was researching. i am hopeful the problems are caused only by the anemia, and am relatively sure that the doc will wait another 3 months before we do anything, but i suppose we’ll have to wait and see what she says. i may ask her for something for sleep. my average over the last 11 days or so has been something along the lines of 2.5 hours per night. i look a mess. a fright, even. if you were still randomly showing up on my doorstep, baby, you might get yourself a little scare. or a big one, depending on what time of day it was. i’m sure she’ll scold me about the anemia – i guess my iron supplements didn’t work out – but i can handle that. we thought the stuff from the bariatric place would work. it didn’t. i’ll take the stronger ones. it’ll be fine. and finally, i want to address the nephrology issue with her. she gave me the anti-emetic without any issue at all (thank GOD.) but now it’s time to talk about controlling this pain. the office staff likes to tell me it’s “just” a cyst, and cysts don’t USUALLY present any symptoms. i will gladly point out that the only reason we even KNOW i have a cyst is because i presented at the ER with freakin’ symptoms. the issue isn’t the fact that i had them when i went to be seen, it’s that i STILL HAVE THEM. have you ever had a kidney stone, babe? i think you told you have had them in the past. ugh, they’re so much worse for you men, i’m sorry. but. imagine that, for a month. thankfuly, it comes and goes in waves (see? like a stone. HAHAHAHA ohmyfuck, sorry. LOL) but still. when the wave peaks at a top volume of 30000 a couple times a day, it’s enough to make a person mad. i feel like i’m going mad. let’s see if doc melissa can fix me up, shall we? and if not, mom says we can keep doing what we’re doing, and we’ll be okay. i know she’s right, but then, she isn’t the one with the fucked up kidney. what’s the worst thing that could happen, they tell me no? oooh noooo….whatever.

hey, but my hair came out a w e s o m e. it’s almost exactly the red i’ve always wanted it to be. not quite ronald mcdonald, but close. i have a mix-in called “on mute” that i use in the hair dye i get online, and it really makes a big difference in the color. the original of this one looked like a fresh brick wall. i was pretty sure that was a little too scarlet for me, so i added the on mute into the red, and bam, presto-change-oh, slightly violet toned instead. it’s gorgeous, and i love it, and i wish i could take a selfie with you with this hair color. silly i guess, but true. hell, i wish i could take a selfie with you bald, i don’t care. i just miss you.

on to the voice mails.

so. when all the calls started coming in last week, i was in my bed, praying for the darkness to just come swallow me up. sunday was NOT a good day for me AT ALL. i didn’t answer a single call, babe, even kathy. i just couldn’t do it. every time i opened my mouth, nothing happened – i just sobbed. i finally got my shit together around 9pm, and called kathy back, but i never did listen to her voicemail. and there had been a few numbers i didn’t recognize, so i realized today i needed to check on that voicemail. and then the voicemails from when the wifi was out, and my signal was shit, loaded and…ugh. my screen told me 3 voicemails. there were seven. four of them were pretty normal – they were from later in the week, and just checking in type calls. but the three older ones…

number two was kathy’s call. oh, that broke my heart. she’d just seen the news about your passing, and was calling to talk to me, and make sure i was okay. she fondly remembers your visits to the house, and how you handled little miss avery, and how happy you made me…how thrilled i always was when you were to be picking me up. i’m grateful for her. and she loved you too, yanno. we all do. did. …no. do. (how long can i wait till i have to say did? i don’t intend to stop loving you, so “did” doesn’t work for ME, but i also don’t want to refer to love as having gone away with you. maybe i won’t use “did” at all. we’ll see.) i deleted that message. i can barely handle my own pain over this….i just couldn’t listen to hers again.

number three was SOB. awww, sob. i love that guy. i miss him. he says he’s doing REAL good – they got his sugar under control, and he’s back to his normal, well-feeling self. and karen got her real estate license! so exciting. i hope she sells ALL the houses! he called to check on me, as well, after your conversation with him the week before. he also didn’t quite believe the news, and wanted to hear it from me, i guess. sweet old bob, man. other than you, a person just doesn’t get much better than he is.

and the number one voicemail. one man i can honestly say was even better than sweet old bob. it was really good to hear your voice, my love. it was nice to hear you say my name. both my names. i tried to record it to my computer, or even with the voice recorder on the phone, but it didn’t work. it’s okay. though. i still have your video. super stoked that it’ll always be a part of my file-base. i want to try to make a voice clip of it. i think they have apps for that. if not, i know enough computer peoples that i might yet be able to get it done.

florida has pulled the plug on gatherings. CT, too. bars that don’t serve food closed tonight at 5pm, and will remain closed for 30 days minimum. those who serve food still can, but for take out only. they’re talking about a universal income for the time we are all on lockdown, but we’ll see. using the word “lockdown” makes me feel like we’re in the hunger games. it’s all very surreal.

i am concerned that india and the family are going to end up stuck in florida longer than they’re able to stay financially. i know they have your house to stay in, so at least that eliminates the need for a hotel, but still. that’s a lot of people in your little house. and if it ends up being for an extended amount of time, i can only imagine how many nerves will get jumped on. i pray for them all daily, but i am especially keeping miss india in my thoughts. her plate is just so full right now. i wish there was a way i could legit take care of something for her, so she didn’t have to worry about just ONE thing. logan says she has a good support, though, so even though i am worried for her, i am confident that her friends will get her through. she misses her daddy an awful lot. i don’t blame her at all. and since there’s nothing any of us can do about that, we just…have to agree, and miss you too.

well, my love. it’s a little after one a.m., and if i’m to get any sort of decent sleep before i head out into the public eye tomorrow, i should go do it. i’ll leave you with an old one tonight.

turn three. the interpretive dance party. LOL that was an absolute RIOT. that one older lady who looked like she was on a heavy dose of E or something…waving her arms around. you kept having to duck out of her way, because she wasn’t paying any attention, and just kept on running into whoever was on the dance floor, you in your stool, frankie g and nyra…oh, lord, she was so funny! big mike and nitro and ricky were killing it with the commentary. i remember trying to get past to get to the ladies’ room. you watched me, and we all laughed at the gymnastics – it was like an obstacle course! and it was just one woman!! when i came back out again, i saw a chance, and slid between her and you, and stood right between your stool and the crazy on the dance floor with my hands behind my back. “hi!” i said to you brightly. you just grinned and shook your head, before you pulled me between your legs so i could get good and close for a hug. i can still feel the way your neck felt against my nose when i planted a kiss there. (it was such a habit…) then i turned to watch, but instead of heading off to the table where i’d been entertained by margie and dreama and will and jordan, i just leaned back against you. you wrapped your arms around me, and carried on with your conversation with frankie, while i eavesdropped, and sipped a cocktail. that’s the good stuff, right there. i loved being close to you, no matter where we were.

and on that note, my favorite scoundrel, it’s time for me to bid you a good night. if you come hold me like that in my dreams, i promise that i will sing for you there, in return….

i miss you, spydr, and i love you right to the edge of infinity.

lolak

…sugarz