you shouldn’t kiss me like this…

i know i said i wasn’t going to overthink this thing with tim.

i lied.

i am so afraid of losing him again.  i should have thought of that before i let things go too far.  i should have thought of that before i kissed him and let him kiss me back.

now he’s gone again and i don’t know what things will be like when he gets back.  i want what happened to mean something but i have no idea if it did or not.  i might not ever know and i don’t think i can live with that.  why do i do this to myself?

all i can think about is how badly i want to see him, touch him, feel him near me again.  i have to wait 4 long months to know if that can happen.  4 long, excruciating months until he comes home.

i feel a sudden pull towards him that i can’t explain.  i don’t know if it’s because he’s gone and i’m left here to wonder what the hell happened, or if it’s because something is meant to happen between us.  i feel like something big is coming…but it could just be wishful thinking.  wishful thinking can be a pretty powerful force and so i’m not discounting it completely.  maybe i just want him so badly that i can’t think of anything else.

"you shouldn’t kiss me like this
unless you mean it like that
cause i’ll just close my eyes and i won’t know where i’m at
and we’ll get lost on this dance floor
spinning around
and around and around and around
they’re all watching us now
they think we’re falling in love
they’ll never believe we’re just friends
cause when you kiss me like this
i think you mean it like that
and if you do
baby kiss me again"
                          -toby keith