where are you christmas, why can’t i find you?

well, i made it through my first christmas without my grandpa.  and my first christmas without pat.  overall, it was a decent day…but to be perfectly honest, i was sad most of the time.  the magic has finally, and completely, worn off for me.  why does that have to happen?

my mom and dad bought me the $400 coach purse i’d been dying to have…so i have to admit that i made out pretty good.  i also got some clothes and some books, but obviously my favorite gift is the purse.  i’ve never had a coach purse before…..hehe.  =)  it’s kind of exciting!

i’m making myself crazy over this whole mess with pat.  did i make a mistake?  or did i do the right thing?  do i miss him, or do i just miss the idea of him?  do i want him back, or do i just want someone?  i’ve barely slept the past 3 nights, and my head aches constantly.  i’m on the verge of tears all the time because i feel like i’m so alone.  i’m just not happy and i don’t know what to do.  why can’t i let him go?  why can’t i figure out how to move on?  WHY?!?!