March 14, 2018 – 1:53 pm

I am exhausted today.  Like, nodding off at my desk exhausted.  It doesn’t help that our internal computer systems are down and I can’t do any of the work I actually NEED to do, so I’m sitting here wasting time in this diary instead.  At least this will keep my eyes open for 5 minutes.

My bridal shower was 3 years ago today.  I quit smoking 5 years ago today.  And my grandpa died 11 years ago today.  Just some random thoughts.  I clearly don’t have a lot to say.

I’ve been really struggling with anxiety for the last week.  I woke up on Friday night, around midnight, right in the middle of a panic attack.  That hasn’t happened to me in several years and honestly, I’m really not too psyched about it starting up again.  I’ve been having heart palpitations on a daily basis since last week and I’M OVER IT.  I hate that my brain works this way.  I hate that I haven’t yet learned how to outsmart myself when it comes to this panic.

Life has been rather uneventful since my last entry.  Joe and I had a long talk last week.  I told him that I have considered leaving because I truly don’t believe that he loves me or that I matter to him.  He got very upset and started to cry and said that he hates when I say those things because they aren’t true.  He insists that he loves me, that I do matter to him, that I am an important part of his life.  I told him that words are meaningless to me at this point and until he can show me he loves me and that I matter, I won’t believe him.  Since then, I can tell he is trying harder to be more present physically and emotionally, but something still feels off to me.  Something just doesn’t feel right and I’m scared that my gut is telling me to cut my losses.  I’m not ready for that.  I may not ever be ready for that.  I can’t imagine living my life alone.  I can’t imagine having NO ONE.  I can’t imagine being invisible.  I love Joe, but more than that, I don’t want to be alone.  Is that terrible?  I don’t want to waste my life but I also don’t want to live my life without a partner.

WHY is everything so complicated?  Do I make it complicated?  Rhetorical question… and the answer is of course I do.  I overthink everything.  I analyze everything.  I live in my head.

I really have been trying so hard to learn from my past mistakes and to be more positive every day.  But some days it feels so far out of my reach.