July 30, 2018

Grief is a funny thing.  Just when you think you’re on the other side of it, it returns in a different form and surprises you with its intensity.  I can’t say that I’m sad about losing Joe, really.  It’s more that I’m sad about losing the life I always thought I’d have.  I’m sad about losing what might have been.  Having Joe leave me was a huge blow to my ego as well, as silly as that sounds.  And despite the fact that I know instinctually that I will come out of this mess much happier and stronger, I still have moments when I question whether I will ever find real, lasting love.  I haven’t been successful at it yet and that scares me.  I’m terrified of making the same mistakes over and over again for the rest of my life because I can’t figure out what the hell I’m doing wrong when it comes to relationships.  I can’t figure out why I’m not worth keeping around.

Maybe that’s my issue.  Maybe nobody else knows my worth because I don’t know it.  Perhaps that is something I need to work on.  I need to learn that my worth is not tied to how others feel about me, and I think until I learn that lesson, I will forever repeat this pattern of falling for men who are ambivalent about me.

Speaking of ambivalence, I suspect that Dean is beginning to feel that way too.  I guess I should have known that it was only a matter of time until that happened.  I should have anticipated it coming.  And maybe part of me did.  But it still hurts and I still take it personally and I still want to try my hardest not to let it happen.  But that is a lesson I HAVE learned.  I forced my way into Joe’s life 8+ years ago and look how well that ended.  I won’t do that again, not with Dean, not with any man.  I’d rather be alone than ever have to suffer through another failed relationship because of the other person’s wishy washy interest in me.  The good thing about Dean is that at least he is willing to talk about all of these feelings and not just brush them under the rug, the way Joe did.  So I know that I can count on his honesty and his ability to effectively communicate what he is feeling.  I’m grateful for that.  And despite the potential for the demise of the romantic part of our relationship, I can honestly say that I hope we always remain friends.  I truly value his presence in my life and he has been such a huge support for me during this time of transition.  I enjoy spending time with him and I believe he feels the same way about me.

Part of me just wishes that Dean would end it now, just to save me from another long goodbye.  I’m tired of living my life in a constant state of limbo.  And another part of me hopes that he will stand by me and that we will wind up together in the end.  Maybe it’s all just a matter of which perspective I choose to focus on.  Maybe I just need to leave it all in God’s hands and learn to let go.