July 22, 2018

Once again I have let far too much time pass between entries in this old friend of mine.  Much has changed since my last entry.  Our divorce paperwork was filed May 25, so by August 26 it will be final.  We should be notified by early September.  There are still days when I can’t believe that this is actually happening.  That my husband essentially left me, abandoned me, threw me away like yesterday’s trash.  But then there are days when I feel…excited, maybe? about this new life of mine.  I feel so filled up with opportunity that I hardly know what to do with myself.  My emotional instability does occasionally make me feel a bit nervous, because I never know what to expect from day to day.  But I’m learning to embrace the unknown and just roll with it.

My rebound relationship from back in May crashed and burned far faster than I imagined it would, though I suspected from the beginning that I would not be the girl he was looking for in the end.  I let things get physical between us way too quickly and I couldn’t handle the kind of sexual relationship that he wanted.  I was sad about it, but ultimately realized that I was in no way ready for another relationship at that point anyway.  I will admit, however, that it was a welcome distraction from the daily stress of my current life.

I moved out of my house and back in with my parents the last weekend in June.  It’s been a weird transition.  I’ve been maintaining my own household for so long that it was hard for me to go back to feeling like a kid under the watchful eyes of her parents.  I have to say, though, that they’ve been far better than I imagined they’d be.  I figured my mom would be constantly asking where I’m going and who I’m going with and when I’ll be back, but she rarely does.  I’m still learning how to navigate this weird new life of mine, but so far it’s been nice to not have to live alone and I’m thankful that my parents welcomed me back with open arms.

Near the end of June, I met another new someone.  It makes me cringe to even write about him, because I know how fickle it makes me seem.  And trust me, there are days when I really feel that way.  But there is something different, something special about this man.  Something that I can’t walk away from.  We are not “in a relationship.”  Right now I’d say that we are operating mainly as friends, though there have certainly been times when we’ve crossed the line between friendship and something more.  He and I are sitting across from one another in Starbucks right now, each on our respective laptops, each writing our own respective pieces.  He runs a blog and I’m just writing to help my brain stop feeling chaotic.  This is one of the things that I love about Dean.  He has kind of rekindled some of my old passions and I’m really enjoying feeling like my old self again.  I absolutely love spending time with him, no matter what we are doing.  He is a bit of a nerd, and deep down so am I, and I feel like our personalities really compliment one another in that regard.  On Wednesday of this past week, I blew off work and we drove down to Cape May and Wildwood for the day.  A 3 hour drive each way.  And it felt like 5 minutes.  Honestly it was one of the best days I’ve had in a very long time.  I could talk to him for hours and hours and never get tired of it.  I love that he is so different from Joe, that he is willing to talk and share tidbits about his life.  He is even willing to talk about his emotions, which is something I so desperately needed from Joe but never got.  I love how we are starting off so slowly, taking this day by day, getting to know one another without rushing into something serious.  This is so cliche and ridiculous of me to say, but I love how when Dean hugs me, I feel like I fit perfectly right into the circle of his arms.  And when he kisses me, I feel so lost, but in a good way.  Does that even make sense?  It does in my head but when I read it, it sounds like a negative thing.  I honestly don’t know how I would have made it through this last month without him.  He has been a shoulder for me to lean on during some tough nights, and I believe I’ve been the same for him.  Maybe this is just me trying to fill the void Joe left behind, the void that has always been in me that Joe was never able to fill.  I’m not naive enough to believe that this is some magical new beginning for me.  Maybe it is, but maybe it’s not.  That’s why slow is good right now.  The best part?  He and I have talked about ALL OF THIS.  We are in the same situation as far as divorce goes, so neither one of us is sure where life will take us.  But for right now, we want to spend our free time together and I feel thankful that I’ve met someone who can walk this road with me for a while.

So that’s my life in a nutshell for now.  I know that I need to be writing more, to make sure I keep my head as clear as possible.  I plan to make a concerted effort to write at least once a week, if not more.  I feel like I say that all the time and then I let months pass without a word.  We’ll see where life takes me