back to square one

where to begin?

things had hardly begun with ryan and i when they came to a screeching halt.  we went to miss and ryan’s on easter, after we’d both done our family stuff for the day.  he was acting weird, and at that point i knew that something was up.  so i just kind of sat around and bs’d with melissa.  so then – and here’s the part that kills me – miss and her fiance ryan go outside to have a cigarette.  the SECOND the front door closes, ryan is ALL OVER ME!  so i think, "ok…maybe there isn’t anything wrong.  maybe he really IS just tired."  so ryan and i leave that night, and end up spending an hour sitting in my car…making out.  and because i’m an IDIOT…i gave him head.  in the backseat of my car.  (what the hell is wrong with me?  seriously, i’m starting to scare myself.)  finally we leave and i think everything is fine.  monday comes, and ryan and i decide to meet up during my lunch break so that we could see each other before he left to go back to school.  he acted weird again, and i thought, "ok, this is it.  i’m over this.  he obviously doesn’t know what he wants….blah blah blah."  so i go back to work, and within an hour, i get a call from melissa.  apparently, he thinks that i’m "overbearing" and "demanding". 

WHAT THE FUCK?!

am i overbearing and demanding?  i never thought i was, but maybe i am.  maybe that’s why pat and i never could work things out.  maybe i’m just too difficult to get along with.  i don’t even know anymore, and i’m starting to freak out about it.

needless to say, ryan and i no longer speak.  i texted him right after i talked to melissa because i felt like i needed to confront him about the fact that even though he didn’t like me, HE KEPT ACTING LIKE HE DID!  he just kept apologizing and saying that he didn’t know why he kept it going.  so i basically told him that he was a fickle asshole and i didn’t give a shit that he didn’t like me, but i certainly didn’t appreciate being USED. 

i must be the most unlikable person in the whole world.

here comes the best part:  ryan sent a picture of my boobs to 3 of our friends (melissa’s ryan, matt and kevin).  granted, it was my own stupid fault for sending him a topless picture but…holy shit!  i trusted him with it and he said that no one would ever see it.  god only knows how many people at school he showed!  the only phrase that comes to mind here is, once again, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?  i haven’t confronted him about that yet, but i might when he comes home in may.  i just feel like it’s not even worth wasting my time on at this point.

argh.  so that’s the drama in my life at this point.  i’m tired.  school is kicking my ass.  but other than that, my life is incredibly dull.

oh, here’s a fun tidbit:  i’m going to puerto rico in june!  miss and ryan decided to have their wedding down there, so we’re all going for an extended weekend.  i’m super excited about it.  🙂

well, back to homework until lunch time.  i’m drowning in papers. 🙁