Awakening

These last 2 months have been a whirlwind of sadness, anger and ultimately, acceptance.

By the end of next week, Joe and I will have filed for divorce.  And by the middle of September, it will be final and I will no longer be a wife.  I will no longer have a home of my own.  I will have lost half of my family.

Though I struggle with feelings of deep sadness over those things, I also know that I will be better off.  I have done a lot of soul searching and I am beginning to understand that though I love Joe deeply, he does not feel (and possibly has not ever felt) the same way about me.  Yes, he loved me, in some way or another.  But it was never what I needed and I see that now.  Joe took care of me financially, but neglected me in every other conceivable way.

And so begins my life as a 35 year old childless divorcee.  It pains me to document here that I will be moving back in with my parents for a year or two.  But I suppose I should just be thankful that they are still alive, still as supportive and loving as ever, and ready to welcome me back into my childhood home with open arms.

As odd as this may sound, I have met someone new.  Already.  Yes, I am aware that this makes me seem flippant and fickle.  But really, I’ve known since that first day in October, when Joe came home and told me he longer wanted to have a child, that this is how our story would end.  I could feel it in my gut,  could feel that this was the ending he would choose.  I fought and raged against it, all the while knowing that any efforts I made would be fruitless.  But at least I can say I tried.  At least I can say I put my entire heart and soul into saving my marriage.  I can live with this outcome knowing that I fought the good fight.  And so, these last 8 months have been nothing more than a very long goodbye for Joe and me.  I have despaired, I have been angry, I have bargained with God.  And now I’ve finally hit acceptance.  And the moment I accepted this new life of mine, a new someone walked right into my life.

This man and I are nothing official.  We may never be.  Right now, all I know is that I enjoy spending time with him and I believe he feels the same about me.  I have no idea what tomorrow may bring, and I’m ok with that.  For once in my life, I’m ok with that.

I’ve learned a lot in these past months.  Life is hard, but it is also short.  And it is beautiful and chaotic and joyful.  And I am tired of just going through the motions, of just doing “what comes next”.  I have learned to take each day as it comes, instead of incessantly worrying about what tomorrow and the next day and the next day hold.  I wake up each morning and feel grateful that I am alive, healthy, and blessed beyond measure.  And I go to bed each night thanking God for all of the tiny miracles of life.  Creating this new life of mine won’t be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.

Onward.