4 March 2020

I wonder if there will ever come a day when I don’t wake up missing Joe so much it hurts.  I wonder if there will ever come a night when I don’t lie in bed with my eyes closed pretending that I’m back in my comfy king-sized bed in Easton, with Joe next to me, and our cats nestled between us.  I wonder if I will always feel like a piece of me is missing or if this empty space will just fill on its own as the years pass.  Joe and I have been separated nearly 2 years, and divorced for a little over a year.  When will I stop missing what once was, and will never be again?

I hate feeling this way because it feels like a betrayal to Dean.  It feels like I’m cheating on him, though I’m not and never would.  I know it’s possible to love more than one person, and most days I’m proud of my ability to choose love above all else.  But I keep thinking…if Dean knew my inner thoughts, could he forgive me?  Could he and would he still love me?  Could he understand why I haven’t been able to entirely move on from Joe when I don’t even understand it myself?

Well, maybe that’s not accurate.  I have moved on from Joe, at least in a sense.  When I stop to really think about what it is that I’m feeling, I realize that I am missing what’s familiar and easy and secure.  I am missing Joe in the sense that he was my best friend.  Yes, I loved him and would have gladly spent the rest of my life with him.  But the romantic part of our relationship ended long before our separation ever began and so it is not that part of us that I miss.  I just miss what might have been.  I miss his mom and his sister deeply.  I just miss my life, even though I know it wasn’t truly making me happy.

And that is why I continue to choose Dean.  Because we DO have something special, in spite of our many differences.  We do have the ability to build a tremendously happy and fulfilled life.  The question is: can I put aside my past long enough to allow this to happen?