2/27/18

I spend all day with a racing brain, but as soon as I sit down to write, it’s all gone.  Sigh.

I really have no idea what to do about Joe.  There are some days when I feel strong and want to refuse to give up on him.  But then there are days when I feel furious and frustrated and I want to say fuck it and walk out because damn it, I deserve better than this bullshit.  Which is the best option?  No one can know but me, and the problem is that I DON’T know.  and it’s making me crazy.

Most days I just wonder what the fuck is wrong with him.  My friend Chris says I need to stop wondering “why” because I will never be able to figure Joe out.  Trying to analyze him and his emotional intelligence (or lack thereof) is futile.  Chris says I need to focus on action.  Joe’s and my own.  That is so hard for me.  At my core, I am a deeply curious person.  I always feel the need to know what makes people tick, why they do the things they do, how they have come to develop certain coping mechanisms.  I want to KNOW why Joe feels certain ways.  I want to know why he married me.  I want to know why suddenly he’s decided he no longer wants children.  I want to know why I am not important to him.  I want to know why he can’t seem to follow through on any promises he makes.  But really when I think about it, I suppose that none of that is actually important.  What’s important is that he is leaving much to be desired at this point in time, and it’s my decision where we go from here.  Because if I left it up to Joe, we’d sit right here in this exact spot.  And rot.