2/26/18

I wonder if there will ever come a time when this sadness isn’t swallowing me whole.  Some days it seems as if I’m destined to feel this emptiness forever, and then some days I’m ok.  My emotional instability frightens me a little.  I know now that I’ve always had this tendency: to feel in the depths of despair one day and then hopeful the next.   I never realized it when I was younger.  And to be honest I don’t really know what to make of it now.  But I am aware of it and I guess that’s the first step.

I had an Ob/Gyn appointment this morning.  Just an annual.  But I had to tell the doctor that Joe has decided that he no longer wants children and that sent me into a downward spiral.  The doctor was kind about it, and offered support, for which I was very grateful.  But I am just so sad.  Sad that I married a man I thought loved me.  Sad that I married a man who I thought wanted children.  And sad that none of that seems to be true anymore.

I feel worthless.  Invisible.  Betrayed.  Abandoned.  Unloved.  All things I have felt before, but hoped I would never have to feel again.