2/19/09

i wanted to write about this yesterday, but i was far too hungover to even lift my head off the pillow.

anthony, tim, mark (tim’s brother) and i went out on tuesday night, as planned.  but i never planned for what happened later and i certainly wasn’t expecting it.

i am still blown away and not entirely sure how to feel.  oddly enough, i am not overthinking it or freaking out about it…which is very unlike me. 

anyway…on to my story.

i had a little too much to drink and asked anthony if i could sit at his house for a little while until i sobered up enough to drive.  he told me just to stay, which i thought about but ultimately decided that i would head home.  we dropped mark off at his house and tim chose to stay at anthony’s instead of his brother’s…AFTER he found out that i was going to be hanging out for a bit.  so we get back to anthony’s and head down to the basement to watch some tv and bullshit for a while.  naturally, tim and i ended up talking about what happened when we were 18…and anthony sat there and laughed at us. 

i accused tim of not remembering the details…and he proceeded to tell me everything that happened that night.  he said to me, "i remember everything.  but you know what i remember the most?  i remember falling asleep with you in my arms…and when i woke up, you were gone."

OH.MY.GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was very close to tears after he told me that.  how could i have been so cruel?  all this time i was angry at him for deserting me when i needed him, when really it was me who deserted him…from the very first moment.  i know how it looked to him and i completely understand why he was upset and hurt.  but i just never thought of it that way.  i never thought he cared that much.  i am overcome by the sudden realization that he felt as strongly for me as i did for him.  if i could turn back time and do that all over again, i would.  i asked him if things might have been different if i’d stayed.  he said yes.

i could kick myself for being so stupid.

eventually anthony went to bed and tim convinced me to stay….which, in hindsight, was a good idea because i really was in no condition to drive.  we laid there talking for a while.  nothing serious, just flirtatious banter…but it felt so nice to be doing that with him again.  it felt so familiar and comfortable…like no time had passed at all.  i won’t go into details, but we ended up kissing.  again.  just like 8 years ago.  right as we were falling asleep, i leaned over to him and said, "tim?  i promise i’ll still be here when you wake up…."  he laughed and put his arm around me…and we fell asleep.

things weren’t weird in the morning and i didn’t feel any tension between us.  but i am curious as to why this happened now and what it means.  it’s very possible that it means nothing…that tim has been in iraq for a year and just needed to kiss someone and touch someone.  it’s possible that it was a curiosity thing for us both…wondering if it would feel the same as it did 8 years ago.  or it could be that he was attracted to me.  but i don’t know.  i don’t know if i’ll ever know.

the only thing i AM sure of when it comes to tim and i is that we seem to be inextricably linked somehow.  it’s like there’s an invisible string that binds us to one another.  i often wonder if it’s all in my head or if he feels it too.  i wish i could ask, but tim has never been one to talk about emotions and i don’t want to scare him away or annoy him.  so i have decided to just let it go for the time being and see what happens in june when he comes home.

i was thinking today that there must be a reason that he’s come back into my life.  there must be a reason that we came full circle.  i just wish i knew what it was.  i wish i knew if he still loves me like i still love him. 

i wish….