06/09/2009

tomorrow will be two weeks that aunt ella has been gone.  it doesn’t seem possible that time is moving this quickly.  i haven’t had the presence of mind to write about this until now.

i miss her more than words can say.  for 2 solid months, i  lived and breathed that hospital room.  for 2 solid months, i sat by her bedside and stared at her.  for 2 months, i watched her deteriorate and become a shell of the woman that she used to be.  i can’t describe how difficult that was.  i hated to see her suffer.  knowing that life was slipping away from her destroyed me.

i am thankful that she isn’t suffering anymore.  i know that she wasn’t in any pain, even at the end…but i know that she was uncomfortable.  i know that all she wanted was to go home.  but i don’t think she was ready to die.  i don’t think she wanted to leave us, and that is the part that i have trouble accepting.  god took her even though she wasn’t ready.

my heart is broken.  aunt ella was – is –  the best person i’ve ever known.  even now, i’m having trouble putting into words just how i feel about this loss that i’ve endured.  i just don’t know what to say. 

she saw me.  more than anyone else.  everyone else loves my sister: the golden child, the A+ superstar, the world traveler.  but aunt ella…she loved us both the same.  she didn’t favor one of us to the other.  but i was special to her.  not because i did well in school or because i spent five weeks in italy doing work….but simply because i was her niece and she loved me.  she loved me just because that’s how she was. 

now that she’s gone, i’m invisible.  i’m not special anymore.  i’m just plain old amy. 

i know aunt ella loved lauren and me the same…but somehow, i’ve always felt a connection with her.  i always felt like she really enjoyed spending time with me.  i still feel it.  sometimes i swear i can feel her next to me.  sometimes i swear i can smell her soap or her perfume.  sometimes i can hear her voice in my head chiding me for thinking something silly or laughing with me at a particular memory.  i like that.  i like that even though she’s gone from this earth, she still exists in my mind and in my heart.

i know that god has made her my guardian angel, and i am so thankful for that.  i can’t think of any better person to watch over me.

i can’t wait to see her again.  and then, there won’t ever be another goodbye.  then, we’ll be together forever.  this is the thought that keeps me going.