03/17/2009

i’m so lonely.

and oddly enough, i’m just now beginning to miss scott.  no, i would never ever consider going back to him.  trust me on that one.  but i miss what we had.  he just complimented me so perfectly…and i often wonder if i’ll ever find someone like that again.  what hurts the most is that i don’t even know how much of it was true. 

i miss the way he looked at me and how he would randomly grab my hand and start dancing with me in the middle of a room – with or without music.  i miss his infectious laugh.  i miss how it felt when he held my hand.  i miss playing video games and bullshitting in his room or going out for drives when there was nothing else to do.  i just miss him, and i know that i shouldn’t.  i know that he’s sick and, in some ways, dangerous.  so then why is it so hard for me to let him go?  i am being strong because i know that i have to be and because i know that a relationship with him would be incredibly unhealthy.  but god damnit, i miss him.

i’m so hurt by all of this and i just want it to go away.  i’m so lonely and i feel like maybe i should just give up.  maybe i’m not meant to find love.  i feel the way i did when i was 19 – i thought i’d grown out of that.

i’m so tired of being alone.  i’ve never felt so hurt in my life.  i loved him – more than i should have – and now i’m left with this gaping hole where he used to be.  this is the most complicated breakup i’ve ever gone through and i wouldn’t wish this on anyone.  this is miserable.  i’m miserable.  i just wish i knew how much of him was real.  i wish i knew if his love was real – if he’s capable of love.  i don’t think he is.  and that kills me.  did i even know him at all?  did he give any part of himself to me?  does it even matter?  i guess not – not anymore.

why me?  why did he have to find me?

stupid, naive, foolish, trusting girl.  well, not anymore.  next time i will not be so foolish with my heart.  next time, i will keep myself guarded until i’m sure it’s safe to come out.  next time, i won’t give him – whoever he is – a chance to hurt me.  because maybe i won’t let there be a next time.