What I did to let you go

 

 

 

 

 

I think what helped me most was realizing what I truly wanted for myself. I was holding on to a person I didn’t really know, a fantasy of the sorts if you will. He was someone else, someone other than who I believed existed and I didn’t Want to believe it. He didn’t help me when he pulled my heart around either.

After he and I broke up, it took months before we stopped engaging in "physical" activities together. We went to see two movies together after we broke up and it killed me when he kissed me both times; granted the first movie we were alone together in the theater. BAD IDEA.
The second time he further confused me, he took my hand and played with my fingers, kissed my hand too. Mind you, both times we saw films together he had a girlfriend.

Part of me was happy to know that I still had him. The rest of me was too stupid to realize all he wanted was a smooth fnck and a quick suck, you know, to put it bluntly. But even that wasn’t enough to make me despise him or realize he was hurting me.

The first film we saw after the break up was 5 months after. We saw The Unborn, which I would have never chosen to see had I not been with him. I wouldn’t haven even chosen that movie to watch with my friends! But whenever Michael asked me to do something, I simply couldn’t turn him away. So we bought the tickets and headed on in. At first the movie wasn’t so bad but every time I got remotely scared, I jumped over to him. Literally. We were sitting so close (because I got scared and the comfort was incredible, the feel of his strong arms reminded me of so many times he held me in them. It was refreshing to be that close to him with no one else to judge us for being that way. With no one to scream at me to get away/out of his embrace.) and I knew it was a bad idea before I did it, but I couldn’t stop myself. So the climax came in the movie and before I knew it, my body was more than happy to oblige to my memories. My whole body swung over and I hid my face in his neck. When it was safe to look back at the screen he had his hand on my inner thigh…then a bit higher. I’m not goin’ way into detail here, sorry, haha. I’ll stop there for the delicious part of that movie.

When the credits came on an employee walked into the theater. Michael was looking for his shoe, I bet that looked terrible to the guy! I was taking my hair back down and getting my purse. Hahaha, so the guy left and at the bottom of the stairs before we walked out, the tears came.

I cried because I was scared of my life. There had been a family struggle for a few months and my dad was gone for a while – he left a day before New Years. And to top it off, it was my first Christmas with no Michael to call my own. I was beginning to drop into that pit of depression you could say.

After my tears and his 50 million apologies, thinking it was his fault I was crying (which I guess it partially was), the two of us walked around the galleria mall for another few hours. We sat by the apartments across the street, on the curb in the parking lot of Dillard’s, walked to McDonald’s, to the ATM, just wandered a bit. All the while he kissed me when I asked him to, told me he loved me, held me. And it was the most perfect moment of my life. We were all alone the whole day, I couldn’t ask for anything more. There was even a moment where he confessed to me there was nothing he wouldn’t do if I asked him to. He made it sound like I had a power over him. A power I knew all too well…

The sun was drooping by the time my mom came to get us. He came back to my new house for a while and my mom caught us heatedly making out in the car…oops. (He uses Bert’s Bees, the honey one, I suggest it for a delicious make out 😉

Anyway, time went on and he stopped talking to me again. I learned that he and his girlfriend were fighting a lot, something about her telling him to do this or that. Silly girl doesn’t know him too well ‘cos if she did, she would know he HATES being told what to do. It’s better if you make him believe what you wanted him to do is his idea. hahaha.

Right so time went on and I cried some, but then I had my moments of promiscuity with some people. With that came the realization that I couldn’t go around hurting guys and pretending that they were Michael, that I would break them before they broke me. In the end I was still fighting Michael and he wasn’t even in the game anymore. I was battling myself. My own fear. I couldn’t let go of the fear of being with someone and having them know me so well. I felt like if I let someone in, I was only giving them the ability to further damage my decaying heart. It took me to find that I was hurting myself by thinking that I was my own redemption.

Finally, about a month or so ago, I told him it would be better for my sanity if he left me alone. Of course he just laughed. I guess he thought I was kidding. Or maybe he knew that was impossible. But I was serious. I had spoken to him for the first time in a while and it appeared to me the idea of wondering what brought us together. We had such an infinitesimal range of things in common. I looked at us, really looked at us, and there was nothing there.

I must admit I was a bit pleased when I heard his shock when I said he should leave me alone. I kid you not, I heard a chip of his heart fall off. 

Enough memories…off to the goods:

– I found many people telling me I needed to find myself before I could fully love someone and them love me. What’s more, I found they were speaking the truth.

– I have now resisted the urge to be the first to speak to him and slowly the urge has removed itself from my gut.

– Before it used to kill me to think about him but I’ve come to the conclusion that a bleeding heart isn’t a bad thing. I let myself bleed. I saw sad movies of broken people, I got myself

a journal and wrote wrote wrote about him and what I felt, I told him more than once that I missed him (which initially was a terrible idea but when he wrote me off I found it easier to see we were finished.) 

– Just recently I located some old pictures of the two of us. I actually spent some time looking at them with no tears. Talk about improvement. [Yeah, the ones you see here! I’m so happy I figured out how to work the picture thing hhaha. (: ]

– Most of all, the thing I learned (which took longer than I anticipated) was to take it one day at a time. Small decisions lead to the bigger ones and less difficulty making them correctly.

[You know, he even texted me today and I was like, "what?" Apparently his mother saw me at ACC and he was there. He texted me telling me he was at ACC. I was never at ACC. Think he was wanting to see me? I think so. And about 2% of me wants to think he wanted to see me because he missed me/us. The other 98% says who the fnck cares aly? haha, gotta love ourselves sometimes…we are all we’ve got anyway.]

 

So my darling, Miss Complicated Journey, I hope my little story gave you a bit of insight of my own complicated journey. There’s much more to Michael and I. Someday the whole story will be put up. I’ve actually started writing a book about it. The nitty gritty WILL be included 😉

 

Thanks dolls,

-aly