welcoming the calming hysteria within

When I first started OD I told myself I wasn’t going to take ages to write between entries. Well…that part seems to have happened all on it’s own. Sorry about that.

On another topic entirely, I saw Michael yesterday at church. Do you know how long it’s been? I can’t even remember..that’s how long. It’s the second Sunday in a row that he’s come back to our church. The first time I turned to my right to say hi to a friend of mine at the end of my row and I saw him a few rows over. Sitting with my brother. Apparently the two have been hanging out a lot more than they used to. Bully for me.
Well yesterday was a bit different than that first day I had seen him. After church that first time, I went to say hi to some friends of mine and he was talking to them. I shot the girl a look and saw him disappear from beside her. She looked like a deer in headlights. Anyway, I didn’t get to see him or say hi to him that day; he was no where to be seen at the end of the service.

Yesterday, when the sermon was over, I went out of the auditorium with my friend and into the main lobby where everyone chats it up before final good-byes. I’ve got to admit my heart was racing. I wasn’t hurting or anything, it’s just, I think that because I haven’t seen him in a very long time I just…freaked out a bit. It’s one of those situations where you want to look good and feel good so the ex can see that you’re okay. Even if it has been a year. Anyway, I grabbed the keys from my purse to go sit in the car and wait for my family to finish talking (friggin chatterbugs they are) and headed out. On the way to the door I ran into my brother who was, coincidentally, standing with Michael. Well, the boy saw me and begun walking towards the exit. I did the same as I linked arms with my brother. Suddenly, Michael stood a few feet in front of me messing with his phone and holding the door open for Lio and me. My automatic reaction when walking with someone is to link my arm in theirs and have them stand on my right, always has been and now was no different; only this time it was a bit intense for me because Michael was on my side. Unconsciously I held my breath as Lio and I got closer to him.

-freeze-

Part of me always imagined seeing Michael again would be one of those amazing movie moments where I would just be this knock out girl and have this totally hot guy on my arm (preferably someone loaded and famous. Hey, a girl can dream!) and he would hate himself for the end of us. But…totally didn’t happen. I mean, I looked alright. I’m getting a well-needed hair cut in a few days so if he shows up next Sunday (which more than likely won’t happen) then he might just see me look amazing. Which, we aren’t quite sure if that’s a good thing…

-unfreeze-

Finally the moment comes and I stand right before him, more so really, I walk right past him. My eyes seem to been ordered to sneak a look at him as I pass…’lo and behold, the boy looks back. We are inches from each other and I find myself staring into his dark brown eyes and saying a very confident and dismissing, "hi." Returning my subtle hostility he responds with a cutting "hey" and all the time I have been planning to rip his balls off with words has melted away as my nerves settle and drown in the calming hysteria within me. I feel us walk away and as soon as he is out of my eye sight I feel alright. Then he just has to appear again. Of course neither one of us said another word and as I asked my brother to accompany me to the car he tossed his keys to Michael and the boy was off without so much as a glance to me.

*sigh* I guess I was hoping for more from him but at the same time, it only matters like, 1 millionth of 1. Hope that makes sense. hahaha. Anywho…I shall keep you all updated sooner than a few weeks like I’m doing now. I will more than likely take a photo of my hair before and after the cut too so you all can see it! 🙂 I’m really excited, can’t you see? 

-aly