To you, whom I’ve hated for so long,

"Write a letter to a person in your life, saying all the things that need to be said."

 

(For my biological father…I’m not sure if I’ve missed you. But it has been about 10 years since we truly spoke.)

 

Honestly, I’ve felt like a failure for a long time. I’ve hated myself for how I let you feel all those years ago. It’s been forever, you’ve tried to reconcile and each time I hurt you and turned you away. I’m sorry. I really am. Any maybe you deserve better than that…I don’t know. I don’t even know you anymore. I know your name. And I know of your little boy with that woman, what is she? Wife number three? 

There’s some bitterness coming out for ya.

I hated how you treated my mother. Yes, she told me the stories. She told me all about the porn, and the rape, and the bi-sexualism, and the sex, and the disappearing at night. Yeah. I know.

But something I haven’t been able to shake…

Was it all true?

And what was she like all those years ago that she hasn’t mentioned?

Did she push you over the edge?

Not enough for rape. I’m sure.

Dad, if I can still call you that – I don’t in my head. You’re known to me as "him" in there, – I hate you. I’ve hated you for years. I blame you for being so uncomfortable around older men. I feel like for all these years it’s been me against you. Your curses on me.

Maybe that’s why I try my best to be a good person and to not do something I think you’ll be proud of me for.

I mean, you gave Boney condoms.

Honestly, what REAL parent gives there kids condoms?

It’s sh!t like that…that disgusts me.

I try my hardest not to be like you. So no one in the world can tie me to you.

 

you are the one thing in this world i hope i never become.

 

Not to toot my own horn or anything…but a bit of a song I wrote sums it up:

"Here’s to you

to the only one who knew,

do you know what you’ve put me through?

Now I’m just like you."

 

I’ll break it dad. I won’t be anything like you. And for that, I’m not sorry.