I hope I’m not jealous.

I have an issue with my sister again. It’s like she’s creepishly obsessed with her boyfriend. They spend ALL THEIR TIME together! All of it! If you’re looking for one, ask the other. Constantly. It’s driving me crazy! I like the guy now, I do, but Jesus…he needs to get a life. It’s ridiculous! I’m screaming here but that’s because I’m so frustrated with her. Doesn’t she have anything else to do besides hang out with him all the time? No, she doesn’t. The only friends she has are his friends and family or the people she goes to work with. But does she hang out with any of them? NO. She’s with Cesar…all the fncking time! And it’s all good that they have their time and they go places and they be together and all couple-y and that’s great and all, but then she’s got to go and be home late and walk into the room that we share at midnight when I’ve got school the next morning and can’t sleep until she’s home (sorry that was a really long sentence with too many conjunctions…). It’s that or she just brings him to the house and they stay up all night watching idiotic movies and doing god knows what on our couch. Yeah, I know she does nasty sh!t on the couch. It’s fncking midnight and she’s old enough to where my parents won’t constantly do hand checks, you can guess what happens. I just hope to god they aren’t fully goin’ at it while my parents are in the next hall = rude.

As the title says, I really hope I’m not just blowing steam or being jealous about all this. I can see where I would be jealous but at the same time, I don’t feel it. I’ve been jealous before (I was actually quite jealous earlier today, but that’s another story) and I’m not recognizing any green in my eyes – then again, is it easy to come to terms with one’s own jealousy? To see the log in one’s own eye, so to speak? I should think I would be able to not only reason with myself but to have the same ability to point out my own faults and deal with them.

It’s just been a while since I’ve last devoted myself to someone so much that all I think about is them and all I want is them that I seem to have forgotten what it’s like to have that love and affection for someone. But you know, I don’t really miss it. I find myself with this tough skin now. It’s like I won’t let anyone just past the epidermis of what really is me. It’s like I’m afraid. Scratch that, I know I’m afraid. I’m just not willing to let someone else hurt me so I seem to have put on this…persona if you will, to establish a distance between myself and anyone who would dare to penetrate the nice fortress I’ve created around my heart.

Some people keep saying you can’t live in fear.

But then again, some people just need to get hurt to understand.