Farewell Broken Heart

I’m telling myself so I’ll know
I speak to my heart like a daughter
Sometimes it’s hard to let go
Sometimes the staying is harder

So farewell broken heart
This is where we must part
Fare thee well cloudy days
Moods of Blue, Shades of Gray

I thought I heard love loud and clear
It said it would be mine if only
I learn to let go of my fear
And cradle the hope of what could be

So Farewell broken heart
This is where we must part
Fare thee well cloudy days
Moods of blue, shades of gray
Rain go away, Don’t come again

So farewell broken heart
This is where we must part
Farewell cloudy days
Moods of blue, shades of gray

So farewell broken hear
This is where we must part
Fare thee well cloudy days
Moods of blue, shades of gray

I’m telling myself so I’ll know

FAREWELL: NICOLE C. MULLEN

I first heard this song ages ago when I was about 10 years old. For the first time in long time I heard it the other day in my mothers car two days ago. She popped in the CD and when it came on, I really sang the lyrics with everything I had in me. When I was 10 I didn’t have much to cry about. Yes my parents were divorced but I was getting adopted by an incredible man so the divorce wasn’t much to cry about anymore, but after Michael….I know what a broken heart is. 

I think…well, when I spoke to Michael last (for a while) I told him to leave me alone, said it would be better for my sanity if he just stayed away from me. Then I had the struggle of believing if that was what I really wanted. It took me some time, but I’ve realized that everyone who told me he and I could never be friends were wrong. We are friends. We were lovers at one point, and yes the turn from one to the other is enough to drive a clear-minded person to insanity and beyond, but I knew he and I could do it; more so I wasn’t going to give up.

(Sorry this is a bit babbly) This morning at church I spoke with our youth leader, Anna. When Michael and I first broke up and I was in pieces I spent most of a Wednesday night crying on her sofa, attempting to get through the roller-coaster of what was our relationship. I laughed, cried, and smiled while telling her everything. Obviously not the nitty gritty details, I doubt she would have been comfortable hearing our sexual escapades and seeing the two of us on Sunday mornings after that. Anyway, Anna brings up Michael and wonders on how the two of us are together now because her and I haven’t talked in a very long time. She got me thinking a bit on him…

I haven’t spoken to him in some time and I only partially miss it to be honest. Hell, I don’t miss it that much at all since we are pushing for true honesty. I’m doing well without him anywhere in my life. But…

Lately at church in the mornings I find myself looking for someone. When asked about it, I simply say I’m searching for my girls. But what happens when my girls are right next to me and I still find myself searching frantically through the praising crowd? No excuse. Then I catch a glimpse of dark skin in a light shirt and heavy jeans and I can’t help but peruse over the frame my eyes found. It isn’t Michael. He hasn’t been to my church in a long time…Do I subconsciously miss him?