10 Years Later…

Finding an old friend is like finding a lost treasure. 

Well goddamn. It’s literally been almost 10 years since I’ve written a post on this thing. What an old friend of mine.

I must admit, I’ve thought several times of tracking down my old password and finding the email under this account just to reminisce. It was never important enough for me to get there and complete the search. 

Until now. 

I’m 30. The last time I wrote on here I was just barely embarking on a new journey. A place I wasn’t ready to visit. A life I couldn’t even have possibly been prepared to create for myself. Basic 20’s BS.

I’d just moved in with my first “adult boyfriend.” I was so impressed with myself! Little did I know. 🙄 Then again, do we ever actually know anything at 20-something? Of course not! But we always think we do! Hell, at 30 there’s still so much I don’t know. More on that later. 

Picking up where I left off all those years ago…

John and I lasted about 4 years. Almost 4 years actually, if I recall properly. My early 20 something self expressed the utmost, epitomizing, young adult attitude when I decided he was no longer fulfilling my needs. Who has needs at 20 anyway? I was already doing so wrong by myself. Oh the errors I would fix now if I could go back! 

So John and I split. My doing. In the shittiest of ways. I’m not proud of what I did to him and to this day a small piece of me still hates me. But I suppose some day I’ll be able to fully move on. 

In case you’re wondering, yes, I did cheat on him. After getting him a job with my first adult employer.

Back story time…

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I refer to this period of my life as “My Dark Times.” 😅

I met E. on my first day working for a dental insurance company. We handled the benefits for children on Medicaid/CHIP, pregnant women and seniors on Medicare. He started as a Team Coordinator and I started as a Team Member (or Customer Service Rep or whatever the official title was those days). 

Right off the bat, there was nothing particularly special about E. Literally nothing. Basic, clean cut, know-it-all type. Something new for me. I usually went after a bit of a brooder. But this was a new me. A corporate me. The new leaf, mature, grown up who had to do it without her parents me – never you mind I only got the job literally because of my mother. 😂

E. and I were on the same team. He was my direct boss. A quick learner, impressive and helpful. Seemed like a nice guy. Had no idea he was married until shit got exciting. (Yes, exciting. Listen, I’m aware of how shitty I was, thank you very much. Personal growth is real, by the way.)

It was months before anything romantic happened. It was a slow transition. 

Shit started getting real when John’s grandma passed away. I freakin’ loved that little lady. She was the shit. I’ll never forget her bright spirit and thrilling wit. Wonderful lady…

John didn’t take it well. And my selfish 20 something self decided that instead of perhaps exploring a way to help him grieve, I should pull away. 

I had just been promoted to E.’s position and he had been pushed up at the same time. He was training me. As I was learning new duties, I also had to spend more time with him at work. We were both doing the later shifts and conversations got personal. I finally learned why he hardly mentioned his wife. He never failed to speak of his ridiculously adorable 2 year old daughter and never hid his wedding ring. But it was easy to see that something wasn’t right for him at home. He wore it on his sleeve. 

No excuse, I know. And we’re both shit for what we did. There’s no getting around that. But goddamn did I enjoy it. It’s a sin I’ll never be able to erase and I deserve every self-hating moment I carried with me after it was all over. 

No, we never had sex at the office. There were some steamy engagements in the stairwell and garage. But mostly, at the beginning, we talked. A LOT. Constantly exchanged reasons why we were so unhappy in our relationships. At the time, if I was capable of being honest with myself, John drinking away his sentiments for his deceased grandmother were perfectly understandable. Instead, Being that I never drank, it was easier for me to look elsewhere entirely. As shameful as that is…

I don’t even remember the first time we slept together. I just remember he made it sound like it was everything his wife didn’t do. 

Now John was the only male I’d ever had full intercourse with. I wasn’t experienced at all. I was just a pretty face and a good notch for E.’s 30 something belt. He swore he never cheated on his wife before me. I’ll never know of course, but it doesn’t really matter now, does it?

Fast forward.

Christmastime 2012. The entire office found out about our affair. E. was fired. Our bosses told him he either ended things with me or he’d lose his job based on ethics or some shit. I vaguely recall. His wife had thrown him out when she realized he was cheating on her (good for her, really. Fuck that guy…) and he had no where to go. At this point, John had already moved out. It was messy and he took one of the dogs! I still have the one he didn’t take actually. My Lily! (@lily_and_thehalfbloodprince) 

So E. was staying with me. I lived across the street from our office and could literally walk to work so it made sense for both of us. 

E. was invited to my sister’s place for Sibling Christmas. A place where everyone could be an adult, enjoy our current romantic partners and not feel awkward in front of our parents. My immediate family knew I was having this affair and for whatever reason, it seemed okay. (Looking back, I just think no one wanted to tell me what to do. I don’t necessarily think they condoned the behavior.) My parents had been through divorces themselves and they agreed with my advice to E. – he shouldn’t stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of his child. I still stand pretty firmly on that belief. It’s been a proven pattern throughout my entire life. Present day included.

Shortly after Christmas, I ran into an old flame. Someone I wrote about on this very site all those years ago! Someone part of me was still curious about and would have loved to start over with. Michael. My little brother’s best friend and my very first boyfriend.

I invited him over to my place and we caught up. We kissed and it stopped there. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to start something with him while I was still in beginning stages with E. but I didn’t want to pass up on kissing Michael again so I went for it. And in the spirit of being the undeserving jealous mistress, I decided to tell E. about the kiss. I hated that he would go see his daughter and that he would sometimes kiss his wife. Ridiculous, I know.

E. felt that if I couldn’t avoid cheating on him before he even left his wife then how could he trust me to be loyal to him after he leaves her? Valid point. But hey, I was 20-something, remember? He’d only been the second male I’d ever had sex with. I wasn’t ready for him to be the last. 

That still feels so strange for me. I just can’t believe I was that person. His poor wife…She definitely didn’t deserve it. She actually tried to contact me once. Wanted to meet up after she kicked him out. The mistress pussed out of course. I would so smack the shit out of myself if I could go back in time. John didn’t deserve it and E.’s brilliant wife deserved better. 

They’re still together. Even had another kid afterwards. For the sake of their kids, I hope the love was truly rekindled. Growing up in a home where the parents have no love for one another changes a person. And who wants to teach their children that it’s okay to settle? That they are undeserving of a love so deep, intimate, lasting and impactful?

Kids should see their parents hopelessly in love with each other. 

My 30 something self hopes I never let a child of mine see a loveless marriage at my hand. Lead by example, folks…

Oh, and I got fired too. 

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It took me a few months to move on from all that. 20 something’s bounce back quickly, don’t they?

I ended up staying in Medicaid and the call center environment for a few more jobs after this. Fucking hated it. Still hate being on the phone to this day! 

But I met someone.