09/26/2009

"I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful…"

      – BEAUTIFUL by Bethany Dillon

I’m singin that song as I write this to you guys.

So today I had to go to work. I was sleepy the whole time! I had a shift from 11:30 to 4:30, not so bad at all, but when you get to bed at 2 in the morning because you were trying to explain to your not boyfriend boyfriend that it’s hard for you to not be physical/think everyone wants something from you like that because that’s all you’ve experienced, you would be tired too.

Guys, there’s a boy! I know I’ve talked about him before, but…goodness. He is so amazingly good to me! It’s incredible. He makes me feel so special. And it’s not like he’s in it for sex cos he’s a good kid. Yeah, I laugh at the thought too; I mean, a "good kid" that’s a teenage guy? I would have not thought it possible. But he’s never done ANYTHING. And the farthest he’s gone..well lets just say it’s not very far at all. But it does make me feel like I don’t deserve him.

Would that last sentence make me have a low self-esteem? I’ve heard that people who take care of themselves and try to look good or something like that don’t have a confidence issue, but I don’t know if I should believe it. I like to try and look pretty and do my hair and all that even though I don’t look all that wonderful every time. There are many flaws I know I have, but I also know that I have nice qualities as well. But just something about this boy…

He always tells me such sweet things. I can’t help but want to hear more since all I’ve ever heard from a guy are nice things that came with a dirty price. Maybe I just need to meet more people. Good people. People who will make me a better person and not constantly expose me to negative stuff?

My friends, all of them aren’t virgins. I’m the only one and sometimes I feel like it’s a difficult position to be in. I don’t feel like I want to not be one, I’ve never regretted not losing my virginity. I do feel proud about it because only 1 girl (out of like 10) is still with the guy she lost it with. They haven’t been together for a very long time, but still. All the others don’t even talk to the guy! The first time, in my opinion, should be special. And it should be with someone that you know you love and loves you just as much if not more in return. Don’t you agree? 

Anyway, back to him. My, my, that boy is something special.

I’m just a little scared because I don’t want to give myself away to another person who will hurt me.

I won’t do it again.

Don’t let me do it again.