Fat, just plain fat

why is it so hard for me to get motivated to lose weight. when covid hit a couple years ago and my hours got cut at work I would take my kids to daycare, come home and work out and then go to work. I was almost down to 175….where am i today? like 2 fucking 30. 230. the last time i was this big was when i was pregnant. wtf happened to me. i went through my clothes today and had to get rid of like 3/4 of them because none fit. i feel ugly. i know i’m fat. i just feel so damn horrible. i know i can do better. so why am i stopping myself? i’m not a morning person. getting up at 5am is not my cup of tea. so working out before i go to work or get the boys up is out of the question. when 7 pm hits i am beyond ready to go to bed. my days are long and even if i were to work out before 8pm my kids would be right there bothering me or asking if they could get on the treadmill. it was so nice when i could work out at home by myself. it was such good therapy. now i can’t even get 30 min to myself after work but before bedtime hits. i’d ask the other half to help me out but he’s just as bad as the boys. always bothering me and sexualizing EVERYTHING i do. i don’t feel attractive. stop it. stop looking at me. i’m a fat cow. i’m not pretty. i don’t feel sexual. i don’t want to have sex. I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE. but. no body gets that. its so frustrating. 30min. just give me 30 freakin min to myself and leave me the eff alone. but god forbid mom want even 5 minutes to herself. i’m just struggling. :'(