Another day in the life

4/19

Well. what to touch base on today with this new journaling….. i think i will vent about my mom.

my mom and i used to be close.

yep so i stopped there. with that sentence. i feel like i could write a book on my history with my mom. uugghhhh. there has been so much that i could spill on. so many emotions that i could go through. do i want to talk about it, yes. sometimes no. its just such a damn process. my mom was a great mom when i was growing up. as most, in my teen and younger years i didn’t think she was so great. i mean we had the usual fights n what not. everybody does. no matter what parent. being a parent now, i totally get why she did the things she did.

my parents got divorced and it was messy. i feel like once i got to be a teenager things really started to fall apart with them. they stayed together until my youngest brother graduated high school. they divorced the same year i got married. my dad wanted to work things out with my mom but i think she was done and had been for awhile. which i totally get that but i’ll get into my own marriage another time.

so, many years shoved into a real quick sentence –  my mom has always made me feel as though i need to pick between her and my dad. they’ve both made mistakes and they’ve both said things about each other they probably shouldn’t have said to myself or my siblings but good lord. i’m not about to pick sides. i honestly don’t care who did what. my mom seems to think otherwise though. last summer i finally had my fill. my sister set up a vacation and asked if we (me, husband, 2kids) wanted to go with, she also said my dad was going with. okay, cool, sure we’ll go with you. didn’t really think much of it. when we got home from vaca i asked my mom if the kids and i could come up. she basically blew me off, said she was busy. blah blah. anyways, i finally asked her if she was mad that we went on vacation with my dad. of course she says no but i know better. and that was the last day i talked to my mom. she has not text me, asked how the kids are, stopped by, nothing. we did go to christmas at her house. talk about awkward. after we stopped talking i feel like i basically mourned a dead mother. i hated the way she made me feel. i hated how she was always talking shit about my dad and how she would get an attitude when i brought up something about dad or even mentioned him. i just am not going to stand for it anymore. we did go to her house for easter. it’s just weird going there. i feel awkward. i get emotional. my kids don’t know her anymore. i know if i tried to talk to her about all of this she would 10000% make this my fault. i already feel bad enough about myself. i don’t need her to add to it.