wine and a movie

I feel pathetic. it’s midsummer, and I feel pathetic. I drank wine with dinner, which made me too tired, and even more apathetic. so I put in a movie – the holiday.

the holiday is a miserable movie! it endlessly reminds me of how I feel – alone. except it adds in something I don’t have – the people in the movie are miserable and alone because they’re going through breakups, or crushing on people they can’t have. then they all fall in the love with the right person, however complicated the situation is.

blah.

I keep waiting for it to end so I can go to bed, eventually fall asleep, and wake up to another day of doing it all over again. I don’t turn the movie off, because there HAS to be a happy ending that will make it all okay.

I’m so shut down this summer. I don’t write, I don’t draw, I don’t paint, I don’t read. I watch tv. I get through the day, I eat, and I watch tv. I feel pathetic because I should be getting into shape, but there is just no energy or desire.

I want school to start, because keeping up with it will pull the energy and desire out from me. of course, by then I’ll have no time to use my treadmill, read books, or draw and paint. what a life.

I’m a mess. I need to get through the mid-summer clouds and find the peace and joy in this summer – this last summer that I’ll ever have. at least the last one with free time.

well, the movie just ended. it has a feel-good ending, after a little tear-jerky happy closer. the tears made my eyes burn. how’s that for not feeling fully alive this summer?

oh well, time to go to bed. so I can get up, go to work, and try to make tomorrow evening a little more productive.