welcome to adulthood

so says my mom over the phone, offering no helping hand to save me. I’m silent while I gulp back my tears; I don’t want her to know that I am on the verge of crying.

I hung up the phone, still leaning against my car, resting my head on the open hood to my car. I closed my cell phone, looked up at the dark sky, and let the tears come now. the moment I looked up, it began to rain. it wasn’t a conscious thought, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew it was a reminder of God. my only conscious thought was that the rain would feel good on my skin and somehow make the tears on my face more okay.

I’ve been largely ignoring it for a few days, but the brakes are almost gone on my car. I played the usual trick on myself – I can’t even remember what day this happened. monday? tuesday? surely before wednesday, because that was why I told myself I wasn’t going to go anywhere at all on that lonely holiday – to get into my car was to remember the fear and the stress, and I didn’t want to think about that on a holiday. plus I didn’t want my brakes to actually go out on a holiday, leaving me stranded or injured.

over the weekend, mom mentioned that it may be possible to buy a car on a student loan. when she said it, it sounded like a great idea for the back burner – not something to jump into right away. but while driving back to louisville at the end of the weekend, it sounded like a fantastic idea that I’d love to initiate for this year, if I only knew how.

on monday or tuesday morning on the way to work, it happened. the way to work is quite short – only one busy intersection to get through on a short drive between my apartment complex and the church where the child care center is housed. stopping in the line of cars at the light that morning, I was sure at the last moment that my car wasn’t going to brake all the way and I was going to hit the car in front of me. but with the brake at the floor, it did stop.

ever since then, every time I slide into my car, I feel panic rising. maybe this time I actually won’t stop. maybe this time I’ll hit someone. maybe this time I’ll die, or be late for work, or not make it to work. every time I step out of the car, I leave the thoughts in the car. I try not to think about it. what is there to do anyway? I’m broke. I can’t spend hundreds to fix this, and I can’t line up the loans yet that I would need to just get a new car. I really just want to drop this car.

ever since hydroplaning and almost hitting a whole line of cars, I don’t want this convertible anymore. there isn’t even any joy in having the top down – maybe because it’s been raining since that day anyway. suddenly, I just know it’s the last summer in this car. and I wish there was a way out.

I don’t even know where to take my car to get it checked here. I tried a place when I was borrowing my mom’s van, and I paid $100 just for them to run a test to find out why the van’s brake lights were on. I’m not going there again. where do I go? even if I knew where to go, how could I drop off my car? how would I make it back there to get it again?

I’m so alone in this city.

I guess it’s not true. if I think really hard, I can come up with people I could ask. nonda from work, or kristin, blair, or ellen – all graduates from hanover. I could ask paige and her family for help, though they’re on the other side of the river. I could ask my peer advisor, though I haven’t actually met her in person yet.

well, the good news is that I got paid today. a day early, how sweet! the bad news is that checks are small…I only get $500 every two weeks. $465 goes straight to my rent, and there goes almost one entire check out of two for the month. then I have groceries, gas to go home all the time, my cable bill, and my electricity bill. both of those I have not received yet, so I don’t even know how much to expect for those.

I thought maybe I could get ahead this summer, but there’s no chance. I’m barely surviving this summer. then school starts, and I’ll be lucky if I can even KEEP this job at all. then what do I do? what the hell do I do?

it’s so very, very hard to remember right now why I’m doing this. I guess I just couldn’t understand the reality of my decisions back when I made them. I knew when I applied that I would go majorly in debt for this degree. I didn’t know that the loans themselves would reach $80,000 before interest. I knew that I already had some hefty loans from undergraduate. I didn’t know that I was already over $31,000. I knew that it would be a mess to try to afford an apartment while paying for school on loans for 6 more years. I didn’t know what that “mess” really entailed, and I didn’t care. I still don’t really know, but now I’m terrified.

so I just got paid. $500. now I don’t have to worry that my account will dip under $50. now I have to worry about the drive over to the bank to deposit it, and hope that my brakes don’t fail. now I have to worry about how much I’m going to be paying the mechanic out of my check.

I just can’t believe it. why now? not that there is ever a good time to have brake failure…but why now? with this check, I could have gotten ahead just a tiny bit. I could have afforded the extravagancies of wireless internet, renewing my hanson membership, and buying fresh fruit without fear of emptying out my account. I could have had a couple hundred to cushion my account before the next rent month came up. why can’t my brakes fail in august, when I’m in a better position to just get a loan for a new car. not that august is a good time…that would be a terrible time.

but maybe, if I just cough up the money to fix my brakes, then things will be better for a while. all the other problems on the car I can deal with. well, having my speedometer and gas gauge and odometer go out all at the same time is REALLY hard to deal with, but it’s possible. I can deal with no AC or heat, and with electric windows that don’t come back up, or electric locks that are absolutely possessed. so maybe if I get the brakes fixed, then I can hang onto this car for another year or so. the brakes have been an issue for a long time anyway. I’m lucky I made it this long. I hope I can stay “lucky” and not wreck in the next two days.

it was hard to hear, at the time, that my mom and stepdad had no help to offer me. they helped me find my brake fluid, which was fine, as I expected. it’s the master cylinder, I’m sure, along with plenty of other expensive little pieces. they can’t tell me where to find a mechanic here, and they can’t help me pay for it. my mom welcomed me to the real world, then rattled off the list of upcoming bills that she has no idea how she’s going to pay.

I’m terrified. I don’t want to live this way, always on the edge with money. it’s been one month completely on my own, just inching towards the next paycheck, and I don’t want to do this anymore. I’ve always known I didn’t want to live this way. so why the hell am I stumbling my way into $100,000 in debt? I know I had reasons, but I don’t remember them right now.

I’m going to go look for a mechanic.