time for change

andrew is just getting more and more distant.

last week, I decided to step out into the nothingness and just be as honest as I could. let him know how I felt, shared my moods, my desires, my wishes for us. for the most part, I got next to nothing in return. I tried to expect nothing and just keep being open.

yesterday I left him a short series of messages throughout the day. let him know in simplicity that I missed him. wished him well for his day at work, said I hoped to talk to him that night. that evening, I left him a couple more IM messages about my mood – I felt like going out, having fun in a social place, having a couple drinks, just sharing a good time with him. I was feeling social and spontaneous and outgoing – a mood that doesn’t happen all that often for me. I expressed that I wanted to share that with him.

silly me, I read my homework late yesterday evening, checking my computer every few minutes to see if he was back. maybe I’m compulsive, maybe I’m teenybopperish, but I just kept hoping he’d come on, and I didn’t want to miss a moment if he did. 12:45, and he never returned. (at least, not to my knowledge, since he’s set to not go idle, and he can talk to others without removing his away message.) he’s usually home around 10:30 from work, though admittedly much later if he has to close.

he left me absolutely no response, no messages in return. tonight, I waited probably almost an hour after I knew he returned to his computer before I spoke first. I miss the days when he spoke first, when he couldn’t wait to get home from work to talk to me. I tried to talk to him casually – ask him how his weekend went. something is stressing him out, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. end of conversation. he never asks me how I’m doing, what my day was like, nothing. he second-guesses me when I ask him those things anyway.

I’m just getting more and more frustrated. now that I think about it, I was frustrated before, but back then he gave me enough in return to melt away the frustration.

and maybe there’s a jealous streak in here too, but the absolute first thing I thought of when he said he didn’t want to talk about what was bothering him was that it was a girl. the last time he did this, it was a girl. maybe this jealousy is neurotic, but I don’t think so. I think it is based in reality – he said a while back, at the beginning of this, that he worried that he would cheat on me. a girl doesn’t forget a statement like that! he has a history of being cheated on, and I suspect that in that history he dealt back by cheating on her too.

or maybe I’m just looking for reasons to break up with him.

I was with grad school friends today, and one of them said, “so, taryn, I hear you have a new boyfriend. fill me in!” and I realized as I spoke that I wasn’t excited to talk about him. I wasn’t anxious to fill her in on who he is – I felt like I was speaking in short, hesitant sentences. I felt a slight bit of shame – as if there was little use in telling her about him. as though he won’t be around much longer.

and maybe he won’t. I don’t want to give up on this easily. actually, I’ve hardly considered it. I know that in my past, I likely would have let go already. the way he is acting is freaking painful for me, and I wouldn’t have put up with it before. I suppose now it’s a bit of faith in him, faith that we can at least give this relationship an honest attempt, and recognition that this relationship is really good for me to go through psychologically, painful as it is. there’s also the fact that I just don’t want to go back to being alone. I was tired of it. but then again – is there really much difference now? and – being alone was so much simpler. when I was alone, I didn’t have to feel lonely. when I expected to be alone, I was simply alone – I did things by myself, I enjoyed things that I knew I could do by myself. I didn’t expect anyone to be there, and I didn’t need anyone. but now, I’m lonely. now I know that andrew COULD do certain things with me, he COULD fulfill certain things in my life – but he’s not. it’s lonely to be alone when I expect that I should be.

I want to give him and us a fair chance. right now I feel like I’m just holding on. holding out for some sign from him, or else for some real reason to end this. and I’m getting more and more frustrated.

I really, really cared for andrew. my feelings for him came out so sudden, so strong, that I was instantly terrified that he would leave me. I was so scared that I was falling hard for him – and I was just going to hit the ground, because he wasn’t going to be there. and maybe that’s what is happening. I still want to be falling madly in love with him. and for a while, he insisted he was falling for me. what happened? he never said that again, not after the night that I had flashbacks

what happened to him calling me all the time? what happened to him telling me that he missed me? what happened to him talking to me for hours online? what happened to him begging me to come visit him, stay the night, fulfill whatever sexual mood he’s in?

what the hell happened and where did andrew go?