the real mirage

today paige and I went to the big festival at Madison (the historic town near my beloved Hanover College). the festival is called Chautauqua (not sure why – I forget how to spell it every year), and it’s a huge art festival. vendors and shoppers come from the neighboring three states. paige and I have gone almost every year.

last year, just the two of us went. neither of us remember much about it, except that we bought our lunch and ate it sitting on a low stone wall that was set back a bit from the crowd at the eating area. we looked for benches in the crowded area, and saw nothing. so we sat on the wall. we sat with our backs facing a sidewalk that ran along the wall.

out of the corner of my eye, I saw katie, my therapist, walking past on that sidewalk behind me. I was somewhat surprised, and found myself suddenly nervous (it is an odd feeling to see your therapist out in the real world!). she was with people I didn’t know, and I wondered if they were visiting family. I wanted to be friendly, but I ended up just saying an awkward hello, and wondering why in the world I had gotten so awkward instead of friendly. I even brought it up later in therapy.

this year, as paige and I walked through the crowded food area, searching for my favorite – the haystack, taco in a bag, or walking taco (could be any name – same delicious food!) – I looked nostalgically at that little stone wall a little ways off. I remembered what it was like a year ago, sitting and eating the same haystack with paige, and being so excited to see my therapist walk by. I looked at that wall today, and saw exactly where paige and I had sat – in an area shaded by a tree – and noticed that the wall wasn’t quite so crowded this year. in fact, the only people sitting there were in that same spot. in fact, the woman looked vaguely familiar.

it WAS katie, with her husband. I found it so odd that as I looked over there, thinking about running into katie there a year ago, that she was actually there. I didn’t say anything to paige.

paige and I walked back and forth a couple times, finally found my haystack, and ended up sitting at the opposite end of that stone wall. I didn’t know if katie and skip were still there; I couldn’t see the opposite end. paige left to go find corn on the cobb, and I kept hoping they would walk by while paige was gone. they didn’t.

later, as we walked around looking at the crafts, paige said, “oh there’s skip and katie.” when they got closer, we stopped and chatted briefly. skip had just seen me a couple days before, but I hadn’t actually spoken to katie since our final session in may. katie asked how classes were going, and skip reminded her that one of my courses is assessment. we only spoke very briefly before moving on.

when I left katie, we left it open to being able to see her again – since katie’s kids go to school just down the street from me, katie is in the city three days a week. I could always ask to see her over coffee or lunch.

I kept this in mind over the summer and into the fall. I did not want to see her again too early – I didn’t want it to look at all like therapy. I knew I needed to wait until after school started, because katie wouldn’t fully realize that I was no longer her client until the new year started and I wasn’t there. I thought about waiting until I had a new therapist. or, if I didn’t get a new therapist, just until I felt stable and strong enough on my own. I didn’t want to see katie for the wrong reasons. I don’t want to see her to rehash everything that’s happened this summer, to find some support for myself, or because I desperately miss her. I want to be able to see her because she is an important person in my life, because I want to hear how her life is going, and because I want to share with her how my life is going.

I’ve been thinking lately that I think it’s safe and healthy now to ask to see her. it wouldn’t have been a month ago. but now feels like a good time. and seeing her briefly today really solidified that thought. it would be nice to spend some time with her. I suppose it’s a little odd to send her an email directly after running into her at a festival, but oh well. I think I’ll wait a couple days, but not too long, since my schedule is getting pretty tight.