so tell me something

I’ve had so many dreams lately, I’ve just been trying to write them down. I rarely go back and think about them, much less write that out, though I know these dreams are important.

last night was quite significant. I had a dream about andrew, then a dream about a house with hidden rooms, and then a dream about blubu – it was that dream that woke me up, at 3:42, and I decided I needed to get out of bed and write down the dream. I don’t remember the last time I got out of bed to write down a dream – I think it’s almost always been nightmares, where I’m too afraid to go back to sleep anyway. when I got up for the morning, I had another dream to jot down. it’s crazy that I remembered so many dreams in one night – that’s more dreams than I remembered all of last week, and all of the last few weeks combined. anyway, here’s what I wrote at 4 a.m. and 8 a.m. I think I’ll leave in most of the spelling errors – it shows you that I was still partly asleep!!

in my dream, I was traveling with my mom and aunt rosa and brother – we wer going to look at grad schools and make presentations along the way. for some reason, we had kali and bluebu in the car – but not in carriers.

we made a stop along the trip to see paige. things got chaotic fast. paige had a little tiny dog or two, and she didn’t get the concept that cats need to be handled with much more care. but Iwas happy to see paige, so I tried to be patient. I kept checking back on my cats.

I checked again, and they were gone. at the same moment, I heard mom talk to kali, who was under the car. I wasn’t worried about kali. I was sure that she would listen to mom and get back in the car. but I panicked instantly about bluebu – where was he?? I had instant thoughts of “before” when this happened – how frightening it was, how close I was to losing him, how very much very, very gentle guidance it took to get him back to safety. I saw him crouched along the edge of a bush. I bent over, trying to get as close to his level as possible, and approached him carefully but quickly. my brother sincerely wanted to help, but his lumbering body sppooked bluebu further. I instructed matt to stay farther away, and he agreed and instantly backed up more. bubu was spooked and kept taking off running. he started to run one way, stopped, veered another. he jumped on top of the car, jumped off. my aunt rosa was approaching very, very slowly – she was watching my moves very closely, I could tell. as she got closer, blubu panickd more. he accidentally made a turn toward me, and I snatched him up instantly. I held him tighly and close to my chest, nestled my chin in the long fur on his neck, and instantly fought back the tears and sobs. I couldn’t believe how close I came to almost losing him agian. not again, not after the first time! I automatically started to place blame on my family members in my thoughts, but my aunt was right there, telling me not to blame them, that I will never, ever regret taking the time to be close to my family members. she reminded me that blubu was okay, he was safe now.

I woke up, shocked at the vividness and emotions of my dream. I rolled over in my bed, closed my eyes again. I saw kali asleep at the food of my bed just before I rolled over – I was relieved to see her there, right where she should be. after I rolled over, I felt her walking on my feet. that surprised me. kali very, very rarely walks on me – she believes strongly in everyone’s personal bubble (including her own). plus, she was just fast asleep, and she doesn’t move that quickly. she doesn’t go so quickly from sound sleep, waking, stretching, to walking on someone. yet the footprints on my feet were distinct and clear – actually, they reminded me of blubu. blubu was always walking on my legs and feet. he had a kind of disregard for the fact that those were attached to me. how strange it would be if that WAS blubu walking on me. I thought, I guess that would mean that he’s a ghost, and he’s haunting me. that’s a somewhat comforting thought, yet a very sad one.

I opened my eyes, and kali was still fast asleep. she hadn’t moved. yet I know I felt those footsteps on my feet.

I’ll pause here to work on interpreting this dream. on one level, it’s obvious: I spent several hours this week researching persians online. I researched their special care (since kali is obviously in need of better care, now that her coat has grown in fully), then moved on to researching catteries, then just looking at pictures of persians. I watched a video demonstration of cleaning a kitten persian’s face – and I cried through half of it. the kitten was just so incredibly adorable. later, as I was just looking at pictures, each picture of a blue one made me tear up. it’s my dream to own another blue persian someday. although I’m aware that I may be reliving BluBu if I get another blue persian. I let BluBu down. in my mind, he died and it’s my fault. if I get another blue persian, care for him, and love him for the full extent of his life, maybe I can get past the guilt of letting BluBu down.

so it’s kinda obvious that I dreamed about BluBu a couple days after spending all of this time thinking about cats, past and future.

what struck me about this dream initially – causing me to crawl out of my warm bed to write it down – was the intense emotions connected to the dream. I had a very strong sense that this had happened before; that I had almost lost blubu before. maybe it connects to what I just said – that I want another blue cat in part to relive and correct the inevitable loss of BluBu.

but let’s take a big step back and learn some more about this dream. Kate, my new therapist, told me her theory of dreams. it’s kind of a narrative approach; every character in a dream is an aspect of the dreamer. Kate told me this when I told her my nightmare about dad kidnapping me; it brought me to a halt. how am I supposed to conceptualize the preditor in the dream as a part of me? we agreed to think on it.

but for this dream, it does make more sense. think of the two cats as parts of me – Kali and BluBu. in the part of the dream when I checked on them and they were missing, I found Kali immediately. actually, mom found her. she hadn’t gone far – just under the car – and it was mom who found her. mom was talking to her, telling her to get back into the car. for some reason, I didn’t worry about kali. I had to choose: kali or blubu? kali hadn’t gone far, mom had an eye on her, and for some reason kali just didn’t worry me as much. I suppose her independence and self-suffiency were part of that.

but blubu being missing filled me with terror. for one, blubu has my heart like no other cat. my love for blubu was like my love for little Britt last year, or my love for Charlie my first year in child care. blubu ran further, was obviously much more terrified, and no one knew where he was. it was solely my responsibility to find him and protect him and help him get safe again – no one was looking at first, and no one else was trusted by him like I was.

BluBu in the dream is like my Little Girl – the part of me that never grew up, the traumatized part of me. she’s very timid and very terrified. she only shows up in a very trusted place – in therapy, or in art. her trust in people is very, very selective. truly, only Ka

tie was trusted enough. Kate is getting there, but it will take time.

now, Kali in the dream is more like Penny. Penny is the carefree, outgoing, fun-loving part of me. Kali doesn’t represent her all that well, but basically, Kali stands for the resilient part of me. she got scared, but not terrified. she didn’t run far, and she could easily be coaxed back to safety by those around her.

BluBu’s representation of the Little Girl is the focus here. it reminds me of what it takes to help the little girl – incredible gentleness and patience. no sudden moves with her! only the most trusted person can possibly stand a chance at helping her, and even then she gets terrified. I love that in the end I got to hold her close. I remember very well how it felt to hold petite little BluBu close to me, nestling my chin and nose into his soft blue fur as I let tears of relief fall into his fur. I want so much for that to happen to the little girl in me – she needs to be safe, to be safely held and loved. in the dream, I basically had to trick BluBu and lunge to scoop him up into my arms. it wasn’t the way I wanted to do it, and I felt guilty as I lunged for him, but it was the only way. maybe the only way for the Little Girl in me is for someone to be just as crafty with her.

and then right after I got BluBu into my arms, I began to think about how the chaotic family and friends had caused my cats to run off. as soon as I began to think it, aunt rosa gently reminded me not to. how did she even know what I was thinking? my aunt is quite wise, in her own way. in analysis, this makes sense. it makes sense that I would begin blaming my family for what happened to these parts of my personality – especially the little girl. it makes sense for aunt rosa to remind me that I will never regret the choice to continue to spend time and stay close to my family. while they played a part, they cannot be blamed. instead, I should focus on the fact that Kali and BluBu are okay now – they’re safe. what a strong message to me! I am choosing to love my family – although at the exception of my family – and I am choosing not to blame them. they played parts, certainly, but it doesn’t matter so much as the fact that we can repair our relationships. even with dad. even though dad isn’t in my life anymore, I try not to hate him. and in a very loose sense, we are repairing our relationship now. my dad is slowing paying his restitution to me. I am certain that he knows that he could have gotten out of paying that – but he didn’t. the money means so very much to me, and it’s part of how I am managing to get through grad school. without it this year, I would have had to take out an extra loan. (I still might have to before the year is up.)

I’m not going to interpret the other dreams; it’s far too late, and I have too much to do tonight. instead, I’ll just put up what I wrote about them early this morning:

as I typed this, I recalled another, related dream. andrew was asleep, and I was giving him head. it was my first time, and I was experimenting. after a while, I stopped thinking about the fact that he could wake up. I was exploring, learning I wasn’t afraid, realizing that this was actually very enjoyable. I felt him go soft slightly, so I pulled away and realized he was awake. I apologized. he didn’t say much one way or another – just that he was so depressed. no surprise that I was doing this for the first time, no feedback that it was pleasant, or I was doing well. on the flip side, no reprimand for waking up. I said I understood where he was coming from, that he couldn’t really be expected to enjoy it at this time. also, in the dream, his penis was somewhat small – nothing threatening in the least about it. actually, it was a slight disappointment. it was the size I had expected, yet he had insisted for months that it was much larger than this.

okay, another dream later this morning: I was about to leave for a party – a party that invited a large number of hanoverians. it was down the street, and I was currently standing outside talking to stephen. I knew I needed to get going, but I was enjoying conversation with him too much to want to leave. conversation with him is so uniquely intelligent, and I knew no conversation at the party would compare. Finally, we set out together – him walking me to the party. about a 1/3 of the way, he stopped, and made to turn and leave. I was disappointed, let him know, and asked him to walk me all the way. he looked relieved, and we began walking again. we were walking close together, and his hand brushed lightly against mine. at first I thought it was an exciting mistake, but then I realized that he was lightly rubbing my hand with his finger. he looked at me, his eyes looked somewhat timid as he took my hand. I met his eyes with a smile, then looked down at our hands as I clasped his. I looked back up at his eyes, which looked relieved again, yet still timid, and he said something like, “I’ve been really thinking about what it would be like to court you.” I responded with, “I’ve been thinking about that for quite some time!” He was surprised, and very relieved. we continued to just walk and talk, all the way up to the door. I turned, touched his arms, and looked him square in the eyes as I said goodbye to him.

I wonder why I had so many dreams in one night? I slept less than 7 hours and got up early – I usually don’t remember a single dream under those circumstances. why did I remember so many this morning? I had another about discovering secret room in my apartment/house.