should it matter?

last tuesday, I received two checks from my county court. they were from my dad, for “restitution.” I was flabbergasted. I wanted to cry, and I wanted to call my mom.

I called my mom several hours later. she wasn’t as excited as I was. dad should still be paying her child support – he’s about a year behind, which is several thousand dollars – but he stopped a couple months ago. I can understand why it would be hard for my mom to be excited for me to get money when she should be getting it. to some extent, I don’t think it’s much of a difference. this money will help me become more independent from her – if it kept coming, I wouldn’t have to ask her for money again, and maybe she could stop paying the rest of my bills. I don’t know. it IS different, though. it’s not money that’s going to help her pay her bills today.

mom suggested I call the court to find out what’s going on and if I should keep expecting the money. see, part of dad’s sentence was to pay back my college debt. ($40,000.) the sentence was ridiculous. one, the judge and our lawyer knew it was unlikely to hold. two, there’s no way my dad could get that kind of money. the judge gave him a week to get a loan before going to prison. of course he couldn’t get a loan – who could? “I’m going to prison in a week, but can I have a loan today?” and there’s just no way my dad could get that kind of money, even now. he does construction work. it’s unreliable and unsteady work.

at the time that the sentence was given, I remember my lawyer standing up and saying that I didn’t ask for money, and money wouldn’t fix everything that had happened. I remembered sitting next to my mom, holding her hand, and agreeing with the judge – money doesn’t fix it. and yet….I couldn’t help thinking that money could go pretty damn far.

today, I got another check. it was $100. the two previous checks were $250 and $100. I cried.

I probably shouldn’t, but I thought for a moment about what it would be like to receive $100 a week. especially with my new job, the possibilities are amazing. $100 a week could add up pretty quick. maybe I wouldn’t have to take out the max amount of loans next year. maybe I could afford to stay in this apartment for another year. maybe I can buy that camcorder without feeling incredibly guilty for spending the money. maybe I can start going to counseling and not feel guilty taking food from my own mouth to pay for counseling sessions.

while $100 a week in the mail sounds completely huge and amazing right now, what makes it even better is knowing what it took for my dad to give it. I can’t imagine how hard it would be for a dad who has been COMPLETELY cut from his family’s life to write a check each week to people he is never allowed to see again. my dad works so hard, and he always has, and he doesn’t always make ends meet in his line of work. it must be so frustrating – and in many cases, infuriating – to give away what little you’ve made.

now I could be wrong. maybe he does make more money now. maybe it’s much cheaper to live alone than to live with a family out in the country. and, if I know my dad, then he isn’t just blindly sending money to a family he can no longer contact. I’m sure he has his ways of knowing what’s going on in this family. I wouldn’t be surprised if he is reading this journal. the only reason I keep this journal is because I know that val, terri, and ryan can still find me here. and since val was here a couple weeks ago, it’s still valuable for me to keep writing here. sad, but true. though I haven’t talked to val, heather, or terri in years – they are still so loved and missed. there are other reasons why I stay here. but the more time that passes, the more I know that it isn’t safe and I may not be able to write here much longer. I’m not sure what to do about that yet. I’ve been writing here for almost ten years!

so my lawyer said years ago that money won’t fix what happened to me. and as I hold a $100 check, I wonder: does it? does this money help? does it matter in the foggy realm of forgivenness? I don’t know. it does matter a whole hell of a lot. I do hope that my dad has some idea of how huge the money is to me. and I’m sad to say that maybe it does help in the long run. maybe someday, it actually will help me come closer to forgiveness. I wish it wasn’t true. I wish I didn’t need the money so much from such a man. there’s a part of me that wants to say that I’m not gonna take money from my molestor. but I am going to take the money. and if my dad can be part of the reason that my massive debt is minimalized, that’s going to be huge to me.

I just don’t want to start expecting the money. I don’t want to get used to it, look forward to it, or rely on it. because I can’t rely on my dad, and I don’t need more disappointment from him when the checks stop coming…or if they never come again.