not what I expected

every few months, I go through a phase where I worry excessively about my elderly persian cat. I wake up multiple times a night to tenderly reach out to feel her breath. I run my fingers over her bony spine and hips. I cuddle her extra, tell her I love her. when I come home, I look for her almost before I close the door. I keep having this image of coming home or waking up and finding her stiff, cold, and dead.

I’m not in one of those phases right now – BUT – this afternoon she terrified me.

I had had a guest cat (I was cat sitting) over a couple nights ago, and it didn’t go well. I sent the guest home early because I was afraid that they would get into a terrible fight. or worse – that the guest cat would turn on me! after the guest cat was gone, kali got sick on the carpet. I blamed it on the stress of the intruder.

today, I had a classmate over to work on a project for a few hours. kali was in and out around us. she’s either in the bathroom (food, water, litterbox location) or asleep on the couch.

a couple hours later, I was on the couch with my laptop, her asleep in her “spot” at the other end. she stood to make her usual trip to the bathroom, stretching from her nap. I wasn’t really paying attention. but when she stood and tried to step to the edge of the couch, she fell over. she tried a couple more times, and fell.

I habitually reached forward to help her – she often gets her claws stuck in fabric and needs help unhooking herself. but I realized quickly that she wasn’t stuck – she couldn’t stand up! when she tried, her left side collapsed. I began to cry as I watched her.

I gingerly picked her up and quickly carried her to the living room floor. I stood her up on the floor, and sat next to her to watch. she stood carefully, looking bewildered and confused, and tried every few minutes to walk forward. she either fell or moved sideways instead of forward. I watched and sobbed.

she began to walk towards the bathroom – she would take a few steps and stumble, or her steps would lead her sideways when she clearly wanted to go straight. she walked into the plant stand, then the door, then the box sitting on the floor. she made it to the bathroom, and I followed. I sat on the edge of the tub and sobbed while she stood. she looked up at the toilet seat – her latest favorite place to sit – but she couldn’t jump up to it.

I held her in my lap briefly, my cheek against her side, and felt my tears on her fur.

I had been bracing myself for a year for her to die. but it never once crossed my mind that I may have to WATCH her die. I don’t want to watch it happen, and I don’t want her to die only a week after I move into my new apartment! I’m not ready for her to die yet!

I watched my mom’s horse die when I was around 11 or 12. it was winter. mom and I stood outside for hours. mom wouldn’t let me get close – she made me stand outside the fence. she was in the fence with him. the way I remember it, he had this strange disease that horses get where his organs flip over before he dies. at least, that’s the way my child self remembers it. whatever it was, it was incredibly painful for the horse to go through, and absolutely horrible to watch. my mom had had this horse since she was a teenager. he was the absolute center of her life back then. I grew up believing that the only part of her life that she had been happy was when she was riding that horse – given the many stories that she told me as a child.

as I watched kali – who grew steadier on her feet by the minute – I realized that watching my mom with her beloved dying horse was nothing compared to it being me watching my beloved cat die.

part of my preparing myself for kali’s death was thinking and talking about getting a new cat. maybe a kitten! maybe I could get another persian! I wondered how long I would wait to get a new cat. presumably, not all that long. but as I sat and cried today, watching the cat that only I could love this much, I knew that she wouldn’t be so easily replaced. there’s no way I want to live here without her, or live without a cat, but there’s no way that I could live with another cat right now.

kali looked okay, and I pulled myself together with a few tissues. a friend called, and I answered and invited her over. I was sure she knew something was wrong, but she didn’t ask over the phone. I told her and her husband when they arrived – but I didn’t cry.

in case anyone is reading this – I should add a bit of a disclaimer. I’m sure it sounds cruel to talk about watching our pets die without ever doing anything to help them. my mom rarely took our pets to the vet, especially when dying. we never had a lot of money. so while we loved out animals, the vet was a luxury that we had to do without. it’s no different now – I love my kali, but I have no money to spare. I don’t live in the country now, so I can’t just bury a dead animal in the backyard. I looked up the cost of putting her to sleep, should it come to that. looks like an animal shelter would do it for me.

if she can’t control her bodily functions or do the most basic things, then it will be time to put her down. but until then – I’d rather keep her with me. and hopefully what happened today was just a fluke. maybe it won’t happen again, or maybe it’s no big deal at all.

one thing’s for sure – I’m back in the phase of checking her often, interpreting little things about her, and worrying about losing her.