no need to say goodbye

I am an emotional mess right now. there are just so many thoughts swirling in my head – I have no idea how I can focus on one long enough to write it down and get it out. it’s no wonder I’m feeling so emotional. there’s just so much. I don’t think I could list all the reasons to cry, to laugh with joy, to tense up from stress.

my brother is graduating from high school tomorrow. tomorrow is the last day of Hanover’s school year, as well. saturday my best friend from high school is getting married, and the Hanoverians are graduating.

and so it’s been one year since I graduated Hanover. one whole year. how could a year have passed? how can it pass so quickly? but the biggest question of all is how my heart can still be so completely broken from missing hanover. that’s why I can’t believe that it’s been a year. surely, with a year between graduating and the present, my heart would have healed somewhat. I wouldn’t miss hanover so much, wish so hard to go back to those days. surely I would have done some growing up.

but it doesn’t hurt any less than it did exactly a year ago. and so it couldn’t possibly have been a full year! a year ago tonight was the Senior BASIC night. it was a let-down. I remember my disappointment.

I just paused to look through my journal from that time period. I wrote about my big goodbye with katie, but I wrote nothing about graduation. it was probably in my xanga….which was deleted. so maybe I’ll indulge in what I remember now. one year later is better than nothing.

BASIC night was disappointing because the lowerclassment decided to change our traditions. tradition was to have a dinner on campus, then to sit together and speak to each senior in turn – whoever wanted to talk would tell that senior whatever is important, whatever they learned from them or will miss about them. it’s incredibly emotional, powerful, and good for goodbyes. but we didn’t do that. we had dinner off-campus, where we stuck to our small tables for socializing, instead of being a group. we returned to campus, where they gave us our senior gifts. it was a clock. not a book, as it had been in past years. the clock was lovely, and engraved, but still. I don’t remember what we did, but people decided not to follow the tradition of the emotional sharing time. I was so let down. I wanted the tradition, and I wanted the catharsis of a big, emotional, group goodbye.

I wish I could remember my last day of work at the child care center. but I don’t. I’m sure that it felt unnatural, that it was impossibly hard to walk away, that I cried. I’m quite certain that little britt stood for my goodbye to everyone. holding her for the last time was likely my goodbye moment. actually, if I remember correctly, my last moments at the center were quite possibly on thursday, right up until my friends picked me up to go out for the BASIC dinner. something like that, probably. so I probably held it together because I knew I had to go out to dinner.

I don’t think about that center all that much now. I don’t think about any of them very much. I know that I loved my first classroom, especially charlie, and I know that I loved the child care center on campus, especially britt. I know that I loved my toddler class at the church I worked at then, though I had no real favorite. I try not to think about my 2s from last summer, since it is so painful to remember how I let them down. I think a lot about my current class, how I love them. I don’t think that a favorite has emerged yet, which is fine.

but how I miss that classroom at hanover, when I stop to think of it! all those memories with britt! and jack, and emma, and certainly chloe. those are the ones that I remember best. the names of the older ones are already slipping away from me, as well as the youngest babies. but britt, jack, and chloe are certainly central, along with emma.

I don’t remember my last day of class, or my last day of work in the psychology department. I believe that I was kept busy with work right up to the end, and I was glad for that. I don’t really remember what I did with my friends on those last nights, only that I treasured the time, as simply as we spent it. I’m sure that I spent much of friday trying to pack.

saturday – graduation day – is a bit of a blur, with moments of it slowed down into focus. I remember getting ready that morning in a rush, and heading down to paige’s room for the final touches. we walked over together, picking up members to join our group along the way. I had my cell phone, and was hoping that mom would make it in time for the first ceremony. we walked out to the point together, feeling silly and giddy and nervous in our caps, gowns, dresses, and heels. we waited in a mob of 120 seniors covered in black, milling around in our excitement and confusion.

my family still hadn’t arrived, and I was getting a bit nervous. I was watching for them. finally, I saw them walking toward me. my face lit up, as did my mom’s. rick and richard were there, though their presence was background. I was so happy to see my brother as well, and I was struck by how grown-up he looked. mom and I stayed calm as we reached one another – but I knew we were both close to bursting. we hugged. they lingered a few moments, then went to find seats.

I remember the processional, though it blends together a bit with the first and second ceremony. I remember scanning the crowd for familiar faces – especially those of my family. I remember reaching my seat, remaining standing, and turning to watch others file in. behind the students were the professors, also in their ceremony outfits. I remember scanning them as they entered to see my favorites – any of the psych professors, or my mentor kay, any parents of the kids in the child care center, etc.

after the first ceremony were departmental parties. I lingered at psychology’s forever. my family wasn’t very social, and they eventually went outside, but I lingered. I didn’t want to leave. I took pictures with skip and michelle, and I chatted with every professor. it was awkward to stay, but awkward to leave. these professors were more friends to me than most of my classmates.

let’s see…the actual graduating ceremony. I’m sure I had this written down in my xanga before I deleted it. the president was retiring, and he gave a great speech. at one point, he mentioned specific students in my class that have touched him or the campus. dan love, jacquelyn, some others I don’t recall. in the list – much to my surprise – was my name for my extensive work and devotion to the child care center! I was so surprised and pleased. I probably had a quote of it in my xanga, but it’s gone now.

when I walked across the stage and received my diploma, shaking hands with the president, I was even more shocked with what he said to me. as he shook my hand, he said something about how I will be missed. I don’t actually remember what he said anymore. but, again, I’m sure it was quoted in my xanga.

our recessional is one of my favorite hanoverian traditions. the professors line up on both sides, forming a bit of a tunnel for us to pass through. as we file out, two by two, we must pass by each and every professor. they smile, reach out to us, congratulate us, offer encouragement. I always imagined that I would cry

as I passed through this line. just thinking about it made me cry then (as it does now). I didn’t actually cry, though. I took great care to make eye contact with the important people – all of the psych professors, kay williams, kay stokes, some of the theology professors. ann vosmeier reached out to me as I passed to be certain to catch my attention.

after that was a great mob of graduates, families, friends, and cameras. everyeone tried to find everyone they could to snap a picture. I remember pictures with paige – her family standing there, mine standing a little further away. we remember holding her for pictures. paige was having a hard time not crying, and had to keep stepping back to gather herself. I wasn’t crying, but I just felt so loved. our friendship was still so rocky at that time, that it just felt good to know that we made it – here we were, graduates, holding one another tight for pictures. it wasn’t just for the pictures, though. we were holding tight to one another and our friendship.

after pictures, I had to go return my cap and gown. on the way, I ran into aureola, quite thankfully. I don’t remember what we talked about, standing there on sidewalk, but I know it was brief and joyful with some hugs. I was so glad to have run into her. the day was incomplete without a goodbye with her.

similarly, I did not run into deepa that day. I regretted it for quite some time, that I did not get that final formal goodbye from such a dear friend. I still miss her so much. oh I loved my little deepa! every time I visit campus, I think of her, wish I could stop in to see her, realize that I can’t, and I tear up. every single time. it’s unfair how much I miss her.

next was a whirlwind of packing up my dorm room and loading up. we were meeting kay for dinner off campus. the dinner was wonderful. I was nervous about it. kay had wanted to meet my family for quite some time. she gave me a present, but forbade me from opening it until I got home. I don’t remember our farewell being tearful. I do remember taking several pictures, next to my packed convertible. I miss kay. It’s been too long since I saw her.

well, it looks like I found some focus for this entry after all. and I cried quite a bit, which was also good. I’m at home for the weekend, for the graduation and the wedding, and at times I was crying so hard that I was sure my mom could hear. I’m glad I took some time tonight to think through these things and write them down. it’s a good time for reflection, right before watching my brother graduate, and as I think about Hanover’s graduation. I wish so much that I could be there on saturday. as the day approaches, I realize that I hadn’t even stopped to consider that before – how much I would love to attend graduation, one year later.

I don’t want graduation to happen at hanover. because with each graduation, I am further removed. I had no very close friends in this graduation class, but I knew most of them, and counted many as friends. when they are gone, so are the majority of my links to the campus. with each graduating class, I am one more class removed from the memories of my dear professors. with each graduating class, the campus shifts and changes from the school that i knew. I don’t want that to happen. even worse – with this graduating class, michelle will leave the campus. she never really belonged there, and I always knew that, but I simply don’t want her to leave. she is the most important and closest mentor that I have right now. I still need her, I’m still working with her, and I don’t want her to leave. very soon, she will be on the east coast, and I will still be here. she will still be my mentor and collaborator…but she will be even more removed. after august, how do I know that I will EVER see her again? surely I will, but how do I KNOW?

I guess that’s one of the hardest parts about all of this. how will I know that I will see all of these important people again? how do I deal with the great possibility that I will never see them again? how do I just no longer care for the people that played such important parts in my life (whether small or great)?

and there’s the aspect of change and abandonment. hanover was home. hanover IS home. I didn’t want to leave it, and I still don’t. I don’t want that place to change – to go on without me. I should still be there!

I have cried so much tonight, and it’s so very late. I really should stop and get a little sleep. I love writing so much.