my new wish

here is my new year’s eve story.

it was august, possibly, when paige had the idea to have her own little new year’s eve party. her new zealander fiance, david, would be in town for the holiday, and she assumed that she could get her cousin and cousin’s husband to attend – as well as me. we joked together that I may have a date by then – qualifying the joke with the recognition that I would have fun with them regardless. we could drink sparkling grape juice, play board games, and just have a party our own way. I agreed, though somewhat reluctantly – who knew what could change in my life in five more months?

things certainly did change. now I’m with andrew. a month ago, I was thinking about this party, wondering if I could possibly get him to come. surely he’d have to work. and if not that, he would have much wilder plans than our little party. I knew he wouldn’t enjoy the company, either. no alcohol, no swearing, no raunchy jokes – no fun to andrew!

I finally did bring it up, and to my surprise, he agreed! I was so excited. I couldn’t wait to bring andrew to hang out with my friends. I wanted paige and the others to see how I adore him. I wanted andrew to glimpse how I love paige dearly. I hadn’t been around andrew in a group of friends yet, and I was really looking forward to seeing him in that kind of interaction.

but most of all – I’ve never had a date on new year’s eve. I’ve never had that midnight toast and kiss to the new year. I couldn’t believe that my wish was finally going to come true – the day had finally come that I wouldn’t spend new year’s alone!

I remember several years past: hanging out in my room with my brother as a child, waiting for the ball to drop and hoping we could force ourselves to stay awake until midnight. we played games in my room. one year, we gathered every stuffed animal into a pile. when the ball dropped, we threw them all into the air at once.

during the sullen pre-teen and early teen years, I remember that I kissed my hanson posters for my new year’s kiss. as a teenager and early college student, I went to a non-alcoholic party at salina’s every year. most had boyfriends, but usually not all. we watched movies and spent the night there – blankets and bodies asleep at all angles in the living room.

during one year – junior or senior in high school – I tried to get into a new crowd. my friends were having a party, but I was invited to the party of this crowd. it was excited to go hang out with them all by myself – but I felt like a traitor to my own friends.

last year, miranda, matt and I played cards in our dining room for hours upon hours. we didn’t even stop to watch the ball drop.

so new year’s has never been all that exciting. I’ve always made the most of it. but I’ve always longed for that new year’s kiss and someone to hold on that night.

andrew ended up having to work after all. I was so disappointed. not in him – I know it’s his job, and I figured in the first place he’d work. but I was still so disappointed.

I arrived to paige’s house at 6:30 and was greeted by paige and david. we settled in, and within ten minutes her cousin arrived with boyfriend in tow. as they stepped in the door and were greeted by david and paige, I felt a sudden strong pang of emptiness. it hit me so hard in that moment. andrew wasn’t here, and I wished so terribly that he was. here I am hanging out with a married couple and an engaged couple. andrew should be here next to me.

the whole evening, it was so hard not to think of andrew. I just wanted him there so bad to share in the coupleness of the atmosphere. we played games – mostly trivia games. I don’t like them. I’m not good at them, they stress me out, and they make me feel frustrated and shy. but I kept thinking about how much fun andrew would be – he would make even these frustrating games so much fun. he’d be good at them, and I would love watching his talents (it would make me forget that I am miserable at these games). he would keep everyone laughing – even david, who usually defaults as the one who gets us rolling. oh! and we played a movie trivia game! how andrew could have blown us all away with his massive movie knowledge!

thinking about how much more fun I’d have with him just made me feel more down. paige asked me once what was wrong. I was surprised – though not really. of course she can read my moods, almost before me, she always has. I insisted I was fine; I didn’t need to be a “debbie downer” on this holiday. and I was trying to be fine.

I kept my phone near me, and kept checking my watch. I was sure he’d call when he got off work. 10 pm took forever to roll around. finally, it was 10:40. andrew should have been off work by now. I finally whispered to paige that I had expected him to call and he hadn’t. I assumed that he had been really down when he got off work, too down to talk, and had caught up with his roommates instead and gone out to party. I was bummed that I didn’t get my phone call, but cheered myself up with hope that he was out having fun. paige was sympathetic and supportive.

andrew called after 11:30 – he had only then gotten off work, and was incredibly pissed and depressed. I didn’t know what to say to him. it was so sad, and I wished that we both could have avoided it all by him being here with me.

cut to the countdown – we had party hats, noise makers, and little plastic glasses of sparkling grape juice. the ball dropped, we blew our nosemakers, and then the two couples approached one another to toast their little plastic glasses and give a quick kiss.

in the brief moment, my world crashed down for a moment. I wasn’t sure how to fill that moment, and the pain of wrongful loneliness hit me so hard again. I shouldn’t be standing here alone at new year’s – andrew should be here! I shouldn’t be standing awkwardly while couples share their kiss – yet again, yet one more time on new year’s in this lonely life.

paige was quick to toast my glass as well, and we all downed the juice together. the couples didn’t make it a mushy moment, but I knew if andrew had been here we certainly would have. maybe they only did quick pecks because they felt the awkwardness of me standing here alone, as well.

my new year’s wish? that next year I will share that special kiss with andrew.

the wish isn’t as simple as it sounds. if I did share that kiss with him, it would mean that he had stuck around more than one year. that we had survived an entire year of dating while living apart. if we can last a year – maybe we can last 5. and maybe then we can last forever. the wish is for andrew to be “the one.” the wish is for me to fall in love for the first time. to share so many very special first times with him.

last night, andrew talked to me on the phone well into the morning hours. I lay in bed after 3 a.m. – him exhausted, hoping that I would grow sleepy soon as well. I knew it was only a matter of time before he fell asleep on me. he did – mid-conversation. I swear he spoke, and was asleep 20 seconds later. I listened to the silence for several minutes, and heard a quiet shift in his breathing for two breaths. it sounded beautiful, and I wished so much to be there, myself against his skin, listening and feeling that shift in his breath.

I listened for several more long minutes, forming a monologue in my head. I formed it very, very slowly at first. each carefully “written” sentence was spoken with long moments of silence between while I planned the next. and slowly, I tumbled into a heart-felt monologue, whispered to this sleeping boy. I don’t remember everything that I told him.

but I did have a tragically beautiful insight. I told him that I want to fall in love with him. I talked to him about “love” – how the only way that I would allow it into my life was to realize that God’s love for me is pure and perfect and will never hurt me. it’s safe. later, I had to learn to love God back, even though my love for Him is so very imperfect. now, I need to learn to let people love me and to love people – love that is imperfect, impure, and surely is quite painful. it’s so hard to invite that back in, knowing it comes with the hurt. maybe andrew is here to teach me that, to open that door. maybe I will fall in love with him, and maybe later he will leave me, and I will feel that real hurt of having to fall out of love. it’s a terrible insight. I don’t want to know that I’ve about to fall in love, and that sometime after that I will be hurt terribly for letting myself fall in love.

I told andrew all of this, in many more words, whispered into the darkness of my bedroom and into the silence of his end of the line. I knew that I was also whispering it to God. I wasn’t just talking to myself, not just talking to andrew, but also talking to God. a prayer, if you will. I could feel God there with me. I concluded with telling andrew that I hoped he would be “the one” for me – “my wahn and only.”

now I’m back in my apartment, writing this as the clock approaches 2 a.m., slowly drinking a small glass of white wine. here’s a toast to the new year – all of the things in store for this year – and a toast to my new year’s wish.