mock session

I suppose it was fitting to wake up this morning dreaming about seeing my therapist Katie again, since later today I was assigned to do mock therapy with a classmate.

I am so very thankful that I was able to take a class like this in undergrad. there, in my very comforting and supportive community, I was able to face my fears and get over them. such as – I was terrified of having to video record my sessions with classmates. I was terrified to have a mock session with a classmate while the rest of the class watched through a two-way mirror. but in that very supportive environment, I got over it.

so the assignment in my first class in grad school isn’t even anxiety-provoking. I didn’t have to worry about what I would say or how I would record it or having to watch myself on tape for the first time. my classmates did, many of them, but I didn’t.

I was assigned to one of the two guys in the class. he’s actually one half of the married couple that I feel closest to – I met them before classes start, and they are quite friendly. so I wasn’t anxious to have to meet with a guy, either.

when I got to their apartment today for our pretend therapy, it was already set up. the chairs were facing each other, and the video camera was ready. just before he began, he stood next to the camera, and asked me if it was okay. I paused, remembering and taking in the anxiety that would have choked me months ago, and I said it was fine.

I’ve known for weeks what I would talk about at my first mock session with a classmate: getting fired last month, and how that has affected me as I start grad school. I played “client” first. it started out pretty terrible. Scott was definitely tense. he wasn’t listening so much as planning out what he would say next. I couldn’t pinpoint that at the time, I only knew that I didn’t feel connected to him while I was talking, and that our conversation was halting. I didn’t feel that he was helping me, as a “therapist,” but that I was trying not to make things difficult for him.

the first direction he took things was to ask me how else I can get my emotions out – since venting about my job online was part of what got me fired. now that I think about it, it was a strange turn for him to take. I got really annoyed, because my transferance was telling me that he was just like my boss – he was trying to get me to say that I shouldn’t write, and shouldn’t write online. now that I step back from it, I realize it was transferance. certainly scott didn’t mean for me to stop writing, but he wanted to make sure that I saw other options (plus it was something concrete for him to try to “help” me with, since he was too nervous at the time for much more).

we stopped, then talked more, taking things in another direction. he calmed down, and really got into things. now that I think about it, they weren’t always such good choices for the purposes of this assignment, but it felt good at the time.

I ended up talking about how getting fired has affected me in several ways. first, I talked about how I felt guilty, because I had already broken the ethics code before entering the program. I talked about the fear that they could do something legally to me, which would certainly get me kicked out. then I talked about how it made me realize that I tend to not ask for help when I need it and not talk to my bosses when I have a problem.

I could have added another, but I didn’t. it’s this sudden huge fear of the internet. I sort of knew before, but now I am bombarded with the fact that anyone can find anything online. all they need is to know one screen name, or my name, and google it. and they can get anywhere. they can get to my xanga, to my profile on places like the hanson fan club or an online bible group. and starting very soon, they can see anything on facebook as well. I guess I always knew it was easy, but now it terrifies me. I always knew in the back of my mind that dad was keeping tabs of me online, now I see that of course he is. if he has any inkling to do so, he is. surely he’s found this as well. it’s not as easy as xanga or facebook, but who am I to be naive even now? but, I suppose that if he’s been keeping tabs on me for almost two years, then no real harm can come of it.

it’s terrifying that anyone can find my address. I’m always plagued by my stupid thoughts that tell me EVERY SINGLE DAY that I could be attacked. they’re just thoughts. but every day that I’m in my apartment, I think about how someone could easily hide in my walk-in closet (nevermind how they actually get into my apartment). I think about how someone could be standing at my window. every damn day of my life. now I can also think about how anyone can find out anything about me online. I know that I knew this before, but now I have a hint of how information on the internet can hurt me and ruin my goals for my life. even ruin my life.

I would love to talk to someone about this. but it’s not really a conversation piece, and it’s not really a realization that I care to share with peers. DUH. of COURSE anything online is a free-for-all. and I’ve always sort of known that, like I should, but it’s suddenly sank in. I have an email address with my full name. I have a facebook account, and soon google will search facebook. I already have past employers who read my journal online. and I always have my dad, this elusive fear, that I know will never let go. whose memories I know I will never let go.

sometimes I think I really need a therapist. sometimes I think I just miss katie, and I need to learn that she can’t be my therapist anymore. sometimes I think that I’m just fine. I’m not depressed, and I don’t need a therapist. I must have just gotten used to having katie, who was so incredibly unique.

katie was pretty unique, and I can’t expect anything like that should I find another therapist. with her, everything was free. I could see her weekly, even twice a week. I could just walk in (within limits). I could go sit outside her office – for hours. our lives were linked in countless ways – what with her living on our small campus (I could see her house from my dorm, some years), her having small children while I worked in child care, me getting to know other professors who were her friends, and her husband being my advisor in the department. the links are endless. katie was motherly with me, and she was an advisor/mentor when I was applying to grad school. katie didn’t stick to the 50 minute session schedule, and she was available outside of her office. at the last session, we hugged.

those are ALL things that I can’t expect in a new therapist. and how strange that will be for a while. I’m going to miss katie a lot in the years to come, though hopefully it will change from the way it feels now.