freedom in your arms

today was my date with andrew. and wow. just wow. and: oh. my. gosh.

I am so very glad now that I went on that date with frank a few months ago. it gave me a basis for comparison. since it had been three years since i had dated at all, I didn’t know what to expect. I just needed to get out there. frank gave me one harmless and uninteresting date. I wasn’t all that interested going into it, and I was quite sure by the time it ended. but it got me out there again, and it gave me a comparison so that I would KNOW what I was feeling on this date with andrew.

oh, I was so nervous before he came! I got ready hours early, and made finishing touches in the last two hours before here came. in the last 40 minutes, I was trying to get some homework done, but I couldn’t focus. I felt tense, nervous, antsy, sweaty, jumpy. so I decided to take a moment and just breathe and pray. I did some deep breathing, sat in silence while I felt my body relax, prayed, and then got up and went back to my work. it only took a couple minutes to calm myself back down, reconnect with God, retouch into my body and recognize the tension, and then I was better.

andrew called a couple times when he was almost here. it was so reassuring to hear his voice on the phone. I haven’t so much as heard his voice in months. at that point, I was just excited. no more nervous.

it was so strange to see him when I opened my door. he stepped in, and for a moment we stood quite close. it felt good, until I realized that it should feel awkward. i stepped away.

in the car, we talked. mostly about music. he did a lot of talking, but it wasn’t over the top. and it wasn’t like listening to frank. I ENJOYED hearing everything that andrew had to say.

we got downtown, parked easily, and walked to the restaurant – only to find out that it was only open to a private party. I thought of a place a block away, but it had an hour wait. andrew thought he knew of another place a few blocks away, so we started walking. I was wearing brand new shoes. I bought them a week ago, wore them two days ago hoping to break them in, but unfortunately my feet hadn’t healed yet. the more we walked, the more it hurt. but I didn’t care. I was here with andrew, and we were talking about whatever came to mind. I was surprised that I didn’t care about how the wind blew around my carefully-styled hair. I did mind when the wind caught in my wrap skirt, blowing the wraps of fabric apart. andrew didn’t let on if he noticed.

we ended up at a place on fourth street live. it wasn’t the best dinner, and I got a mojito that wasn’t as good as the first one I got there months ago. but none of it mattered – I was there, talking to andrew. and as I listened to him and looked at his face, his eyes, his hair, his mouth….I knew I liked him. I knew I liked him a whole lot. I thought about how hot, adorable, cute, handsome, everything he was. I thought about the future – what it would be like to cuddle on the couch with him, to kiss him. and I wasn’t scared. I was excited to find out how those things would feel!

we decided to go back to my place to watch a movie, and I was so glad. we settled on the couch with a glass of wine, and as soon as we sat down our shoulders were touching. I decided that I wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to hurry through my glass of wine so I could do it! I was nervous, and I assumed he wouldn’t try to initiate touching me. I finished my glass before him. instead of finishing it, he set his down a while later. almost immediately, his hand was by mine, and I knew he wanted to hold my hand. he actually did initiate it first, surprisingly.

I completely revelled in the moment – when he took my hand, my heart started beating so heavily! it was an amazing feeling, and I couldn’t believe that I had gone years without it. he didn’t just take my hand – he was rubbing his thumb over my fingers.

and so the stage was set for our evening in front of the movie. it was hard to focus on the movie – we kept having little side conversations, and thinking about us was so distracting. aside from how good – and safe – it felt to be here next to him, touching him, our hands intertwined.

the movie ended, and we stalled having to leave for almost two hours, although we knew that andrew had a 2 hour drive home and I had to get up early in the morning. I didn’t want him to leave, and I told him so. I don’t know when I’ll see him again, and that made it so hard to let him leave.

we talked about that, and we talked about all the things in the past four years leading up to this date. we talked about so much.

when we were finally beginning to stir to leave, our heads were close together. he looked at me, and I saw the question in his eyes before he asked, “may I?” I shook my head, then put my head against him. I said, “I wish, but no.”

does he know how huge it is that I want to kiss him? I’m somewhat surprised that he asked – I thought we had agreed that we wouldn’t kiss on the first date. but then again, I don’t blame him, and I’m not surprised. the date HAD gone amazingly well. and we don’t even know when we’ll see each other again. most of our relationship is online right now. can I blame him for wanting to kiss me while we’re actually together? no. but even if I want to kiss him, it certainly doesn’t mean I’m ready for that.

he has a full beard right now, which I don’t think looks bad on him, but it does worry me. I’ve never kissed a man with a beard. but I have kissed my dad with his mustache. it’s probably one of my worst memories, come to think of it, and one that has come up in my nightmares frequently over the years. now that I think of it, it’s the only memory I’ve EVER had flashbacks about. and it’s happened with several different boys. the first boy I kissed, because he suddenly put his tongue in my mouth on that very first kiss. and ben, because I kissed him after he drank a pepsi, which was dad’s drink of choice. I’m scared that kissing andrew will cause me to have another flashback and taint things with him so early on. and I’m just worried that I’m not quite ready yet to kiss him. it’s too soon.

I’m completely amazed at how well tonight went. we both entered this with big questions and big anxieties – and yet I loved absolutely every minute with him! I didn’t want him to leave! I refused this kid for four years…and now I don’t want him to walk out of my sight.

it’s amazing to feel the butterflies in my stomach again…to feel my heart beating just because a boy took my hand. to actually imagine kissing and making out with someone – and not feeling sick to my stomach for trying to imagine it.

he’s only two hours away, but it’s still so hard. and there’s so much that both of us bring to this. but those are things for the future.

for tonight, there’s one date. one very good date for two friends who graduated from hanover.

and one very happy girl who has found a sweet boy that makes her feel safe, comfortable, happy, and not afraid. plus…he’s hot. there are things about him that I still wonder about, but that doesn’t matter right now. I’m happy.