flood gates opening

So many things have happened to me lately. I don’t know where to start, I don’t know which event to write down. No one really reads this, so really I’m just writing this down for myself. Which is truly what a diary is, but sometimes it does help to have an audience. Don’t get me started on the logic behind that, or the analysis. I’m in english 12 honors, or college prep, or whatever you want to call that class.

I made up my mind a couple of weeks ago to tell Erin about me. But I told her I didn’t want to tell her my past until we had a night all to ourselves, when we could talk for hours. So I waited to tell Erin.

The competitions we had today are WELL worth writing down, but I will skip over that for now. I’ll go straight to the bus ride home tonight. Me and Chris played by favorite game — questions. We asked questions back and forth. Then after a while, we stopped that game. He was sitting normal in the seat, and I was sitting backwards so that we’d be facing each other. I put my head on his shoulder for a moment, I forget why, and he started giving me a back rub. He had one hand around me, the other rubbing my back. And at that moment….I wondered if I could love this boy.

You know how I am. I don’t fall for boys. That’s just it. Boys aren’t allowed to tell me that they love me, because it’s not real. We’re not going to fall in love.

He gave me a back massage for the longest time, it seemed. I loved it. I loved being with him, I loved the feeling he gave me in my stomach. Then he wrapped both of his arms around me, and held me so tight. I was so close to him, and he held me so incredibly tight, so secure. I didn’t want him to ever let go, I didn’t want this security to ever slip away.

A little while later he whispered in my ear that he wanted to kiss me so bad. I didn’t say anything.

That’s when things went bad. He is such an incredibly shy boy, especially about kissing. But as soon as he said the word, I was terrified. When I didn’t reply to him, I know it scared him. But it didn’t matter to me, I just withdrew into myself. He was still there, holding me close, but he didn’t move. I put my head on his arm…and I cried.

My past is still gripping me…possibly tighter than it did when I was living it. I hate that, and I want it gone. But more than my hate for my past….I feared kissing him. Why? Someone please tell me why. Why am I so scared of kissing a boy? It’s not just a fear, it’s a phobia. I avoid it. Maybe because I’m so scared of kissing, I don’t know, but it isn’t even enjoyable to me.

As we neared home, he gathered up his guts again. He kissed me lightly on the forehead, the closed eyelids, and the cheek. I let him get as close as that before I dipped my head and he started over.

It kills me that I didn’t let him, and I know it is devastating and confusing what I did to him. But the idea kills me more.

I got home at midnight and called erin. I told her I was ready to tell her. Those words are so hard to speak. It was so hard to tell her that I had been molested as a child. I said the words. and I added that I didn’t know why, but it still bothered me…a lot. And after a moment, Erin said she understood what I was going through. She’d been molested too. And I said? I know. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I already knew that.

Erin thinks that she’s dealing with it just fine. And in a sense, she is. No one knows about it but her sister. She never thinks about it. It doesn’t haunt her, I’m guessing. Me? I’ve told how many people? Oh god, so many. I think about it, it haunts me.

I didn’t tell Erin any details. She knows that it happened more than once in my life. She knows that it is making me push Chris away from me. she told me to tell Chris. And she’s right. It’s not fair to do that to him, what I did today, without some form of an explanation. I just don’t want Chris to know. I don’t know why, but Chris can’t know.

I’m so tired. I have to work in 7 hours. There is so much more than I need to write down, but I can’t hold my eyes open. I just want to shut out the world for a year. All I get is 7 hours of shutting out the world.